Oh, Florida — like our wives and girlfriends, we can’t live with you, but we certainly couldn’t live without you. You are like the Drunk Uncle in the family that is the United States of America: you mean well & have a good heart, but show up to the party already hammered and then tell Cousin Derek to go f*ck himself before you fall face first through the all-glass living room coffee table. You’re a wildcard, but you’re our wildcard, and we love ya for it.
For some reason, though, more than any other state in the union, Florida has an uncanny knack of churning out the most preposterous headlines you’ve ever heard of.
“Homeless Man Engages in Sword Fight with Alligator”
“Pink-Haired Couple Rob Bank Armed Only with String Cheese”
“Party Clown Arrested for Smoking Crack in Front of Children”
Are these real stories? Did I just make these headlines up? Who knows. I guess you’ll have to Google it. Either way, the point is they sound real and that’s because in Florida, literally, anything is possible, even the most bizarre.
Okay, I’ll admit, the headlines above you are fake, but the ones below are entirely real, and that’s what makes Florida so Florida: you cannot tell the difference between what’s real and what’s not because it all sounds so wildly ridiculous.
“Teen Bites the Head Off Live Chicken”
“Elementary School Teacher Arrested For Selling Marijuana”
“Police Searching For Cross-Dresser Who Keeps Leaving Underwear On Random Cars”
“Man Causes $100K in Damage at Local Walmart, Blames ‘Hookah Smoking Caterpillar'”
“Teacher Placed on Leave For Drowning Racoons in Class”
“Woman Poses as Federal Agent to Score Free Chick-Fil-A”
“This Chainsaw Wielding Nun is the Hero Florida Deserves Right Now”
“Man Whips Out Samurai Sword During Road Rage Incident”
“Teacher Suspended For Allowing Students to Hook Up in Class”
Needless to say, you get our point: Florida is a mad, mad place.
So with that in mind, we’ve decided to do a weekly round-up of all the headlines from America’s Bastard Son of a State … the only and only Florida.
Florida Headlines of the Week
Woman Named Crystal Methvin Arrested For Crystal Meth
Florida Woman Shoots Husband Because Of His Tone Of Voice
Indiana Man Who Has Been Missing For Decades Pops Up In, You Guessed It, Florida
Florida Man Covered In Face Tattoos Keeps Stealing Trucks
Public Masterbater Claims To Be Captain Kirk From ‘Star Trek’
Florida Man Arrested For Abusing Child Says He “Ate All The Cheeze-Itz”
Roach Lays Eggs In Florida Man’s Ear
Florida Man Pretending To Be Saudi Prince Cheats Investors Out Of Millions
Florida Man Steals & Crashes Unmarked Police Car
Florida Woman Shaves Legs In Hotel Pool
Florida Friday is a COED.com series.