Oh, Florida — like our wives and girlfriends, we can’t live with you, but we certainly couldn’t live without you. You are like the Drunk Uncle in the family that is the United States of America: you mean well & have a good heart, but show up to the party already hammered and then tell Cousin Derek to go f*ck himself before you fall face first through the all-glass living room coffee table. You’re a wildcard, but you’re our wildcard, and we love ya for it.
For some reason, though, more than any other state in the union, Florida has an uncanny knack of churning out the most preposterous headlines you’ve ever heard of.
“Homeless Man Engages in Sword Fight with Alligator”
“Pink-Haired Couple Rob Bank Armed Only with String Cheese”
“Party Clown Arrested for Smoking Crack in Front of Children”
Are these real stories? Did I just make these headlines up? Who knows. I guess you’ll have to Google it. Either way, the point is they sound real and that’s because in Florida, literally, anything is possible, even the most bizarre.
Okay, I’ll admit, the headlines above you are fake, but the ones below are entirely real, and that’s what makes Florida so Florida: you cannot tell the difference between what’s real and what’s not because it all sounds so wildly ridiculous.
“Teen Bites the Head Off Live Chicken”
“Elementary School Teacher Arrested For Selling Marijuana”
“Police Searching For Cross-Dresser Who Keeps Leaving Underwear On Random Cars”
“Man Causes $100K in Damage at Local Walmart, Blames ‘Hookah Smoking Caterpillar'”
“Teacher Placed on Leave For Drowning Racoons in Class”
“Woman Poses as Federal Agent to Score Free Chick-Fil-A”
“This Chainsaw Wielding Nun is the Hero Florida Deserves Right Now”
“Man Whips Out Samurai Sword During Road Rage Incident”
“Teacher Suspended For Allowing Students to Hook Up in Class”
Needless to say, you get our point: Florida is a mad, mad place.
So with that in mind, we’ve decided to do a weekly round-up of all the headlines from America’s Bastard Son of a State … the only and only Florida.
Florida Headlines of the Week
– Richie Incognito Taken For Psych Evaluations After Throwing Dumbell at Fellow Gym-Goer
– Face-Tattooed Man Climbs Into Playground, Tells Children Where Babies Come From
– Man Claims McDonald’s Employee Tried To Murder Him With A Bleach Pod Laced Drink
– Woman Arrested For Stealing Quarters From The Laundromat
– Man Arrested For Dumping Paint On A Bunch Of Turtles
– Police Arrested Naked Man Carrying A Bottle Of Olive Oil
– Naked Man Makes Bomb Threat At Daytona Beach International Airport
– Woman Calls 911 For More Beer