After Donald Trump threatened to go after Ted Cruz and his wife a few days ago, The National Enquirer beat him to the punch.
The rag magazine’s March 25th issue threw a huge bombshell into the 2016 GOP primary: Ted Cruz has allegedly been having an affair with five different women. Frankly I’m surprised he was able to get one, but five?! Something seems off and I’m calling bullsh*t… but I digress.
The Enquirer managed to maintain some form of integrity by not naming names and just publishing several pixelated photos. But because the Internet is full of geniuses, three of the women in those photos have been “identified.”
@benshapiro Looks like Your Boy @tedcruz might have a bit of a problem. https://t.co/JfISIArfXI#CruzSexScandal pic.twitter.com/1V947rgC5d
— Rob Black (@RobZicariShow) March 25, 2016
So who the hell are these women? According to Twitter, here are their names, from right to left: Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson, former Carly Fiorina staffer Sarah Isgur Flores, and former Cruz communications director Amanda Carpenter. Carpenter is married, while Flores and Pierson are not.
Of course a trending hashtag — #CruzSexScandal– has already taken over Twitter, and the reactions are pure gold:
It was only a matter of time 😂 scandal season has arrived #CruzSexScandal pic.twitter.com/VIZWWgEiMF
— Chris Smoove (@Chris_Smoove) March 25, 2016
Bill when he opened up Twitter this morning #CruzSexScandal pic.twitter.com/RaSHnXJF7F
— Chow (@chow3) March 25, 2016
I assumed the #CruzSexScandal was that he was a Virgin.
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) March 25, 2016
MY MIND'S TELLIN' ME NO, BUT MY BODY, MY BODY'S TELLIN' ME YESSSSSSSS #cruzsexscandal pic.twitter.com/nYDig1vW69
— Scam Likely (@mike_is_bored) March 25, 2016
Listen, if you're telling me that a religious man did something hypocritical then my whole world view is gonna change. #CruzSexScandal
— Luggage Guy Trent (@BarstoolTrent) March 25, 2016
https://twitter.com/aburnett3/status/713350267610259456
#CruzSexScandal Have you seen him? If he managed to rack up multiple women, he's a helluva politician. #VoteCruz #CoffeeIsForClosers
— QuarantineHead💧 (@BigHeadBS) March 25, 2016
Waking up and seeing #CruzSexScandal trending pic.twitter.com/EKv0mEr1af
— Popsie (@JPopsie) March 25, 2016
If you told me that the #CruzSexScandal involved a real life human centipede, I would believe you
— Clem (@TheClemReport) March 25, 2016
Donald Trump takes down his enemies with Frank Underwood type precision #CruzSexScandal
— Blind Mike (@BlindMike_) March 25, 2016
Stop acting like a #CruzSexScandal is shocking. What lady wouldn't want some of this? pic.twitter.com/SSuZyX1nLy
— Crutnacker (@Crutnacker) March 25, 2016
https://twitter.com/ccsuny/status/713328866954240000
Everyone waiting on #Twitter to see what @realDonaldTrump has to say about #CruzSexScandal like pic.twitter.com/I6zhzjKVAJ
— Alan Ly (@theAlanLy) March 25, 2016
HOW long will you keep abusing your wife @tedcruz ??
CheaTed #CruzSexScandal pic.twitter.com/U7OcrUcrAI
— You Can't Close America! (@HouseCracka) March 25, 2016
https://twitter.com/LeCombat/status/713409204187320320
There's no way five live human women could have found #TedCruz attractive…
Unless…he used his vampire mind tricks…#CruzSexScandal
— Scruffy (@UnimpressedWU) March 25, 2016
https://twitter.com/JaredWyand/status/713262697224269824
Even if this isn’t true, those were absolutely hilarious. The magazine’s allegations come just days after Donald Trump accused Cruz of using compromising photos of his wife to further his campaign, to which Cruz profusely denied. Naturally, this didn’t satisfy the GOP frontrunner, who then shot back with this tweet:
Lyin' Ted Cruz just used a picture of Melania from a G.Q. shoot in his ad. Be careful, Lyin' Ted, or I will spill the beans on your wife!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 23, 2016
Was this the secret he was dying to out? We’ll be keeping an eye on his Twitter… you know those comments will be coming any minute now.
UPDATE:
Donald Trump has since addressed the scandal on Twitter, his favorite platform:
https://twitter.com/LogicalReverie/status/713407266637103104
Ted Cruz has been tweeting up a storm, but has yet to respond to allegations.
UPDATE:
Ted Cruz has finally responded to the accusations on Facebook:
