You think you’ve got it allllll figured out, don’t you? You think that your game is on point, and nobody, and I mean nobody, does it better than you. But guess what, YOU’RE WRONG! In fact, most of you probably do at least half of the 10 sex moves on this list. And guess what buddy, she probably hates them and you should probably stop doing them. [lead image via Shutterstock]
It isn’t ALL your fault, though, because other than outright asking them, the only method men have to judge their d*ck game is the in-the-moment reaction of the lucky (?) ladies. It’s quite problematic, honestly: women run around lying about their lover’s performance, then men subsequently think they’ve got it all figured out, perpetuating the cycle of average sex.
My rule of thumb is that if you have to wonder if you did a good job or not, you probably didn’t. If she enjoyed herself, you would know it bro. Luckily, for all the bros who aren’t in the know about the status of their “skill”, a new survey has been published by Ask Men, detailing the top 10 sex moves women hate. Surprisingly, neither size or duration were any where to be found on this list, so, without further adieu, the top 10:
#1: Thrusting Way Longer Than Necessary
Kind of like a baseball player, it’s never good to swing for the home run. Be patient, stay disciplined, and wait for your pitch. Trying to crush every pitch you see only leads to more strikeouts.
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6SATP3EPkk&w=656]
#2: Uninspired F*ngering
Basically self explanatory. Don’t treat her like the “close door” button on a crowded elevator.
#3: Constantly Changing Positions
I agree. It’s like watching a movie on TV and then changing the channel because you “want to see what else is on”. Like finding an unedited, commercial free version of Goodfellas on TV, this is probably as good as it’s going to get, so you should just stick with it.
#4: Button Mashing Her Cl*t
This isn’t Super Smash Bros, Bro.
#5: Sticking Your Tongue in Her Ear
The ear is like your side chick: give her a little attention and it might be worth it,but give her too much and everything becomes a sh*t show.
#6: Being Silent
This one is straight up inexcusable. What kind of perv do you have to be to not make any sort of sound? You don’t even need to form a sentence, just make some sort of noise to prove your consciousness and you should be alright. If you’re this kind of dude, pull out, find the nearest wall, and bash your head against it.
[youtube url=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ToGjYYJCoM”]
#7: Poor Cunnilingus Technique
[youtube url=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZS5Kq5qDYQ”]
#8: Using Spit as Lube
If you must, which you shouldn’t, at least be discrete. I don’t think the Titantic ‘spit like a man’ technique is exactly appropriate in the bedroom.
#9: Having Rough Fingernails
This one actually has less to do with sex, and more with overall hygiene. Go out and buy yourself a f*cking nail clipper dude.
#10: No Finishing Move
All the best wrestlers had a classic finishing move. It’s time you figured yours out.
So there you have it gents, the top 10 things your doing wrong in bed. Study up, start practicing, and hopefully you’ll never need to read an article like this again.
