Shutterstock
It’s spooky season! The best way to celebrate the greatest time of the year is to stuff as many mini candies in your mouth as possible. Of course, the family has already run through a couple of bags of the various candies that were meant for the trick-or-treaters.
As you travel to the store once again, looking for your next sugar-induced coma, there are a few candies I would steer clear from. Here are the five most overrated candies no one should be giving away this Halloween.
5. Smarties
Shutterstock
Smarties are a roll of chalky disappointment for any child looking for that sugar rush before scrambling to the next house. Anyone who tells you they like smarties probably will tell you that the Shoney’s buffet was gross once upon a time. Although a positive to having a friend who likes smarties is that you can make a trade with them for a more elite candy like a Reese’s.
Folks, don’t be handing out smarties in the year of our Lord 2022. It’s just not right.
4. Candy Canes
Shutterstock
Call me a candy purist if you must but giving out Halloween-style candy canes are a joke, and you are too if you delve into that culture. Candy canes belong to the big man in December, and any spin on the treat for other holidays is a distasteful ruse.
I hate candy canes any time of the year, and the memories of children slobbering all over a candy cane when we were out trick-or-treating still make me nauseous. I also need to mention I’ve always been a grandpa stuck in a younger person’s body. GET OFF MY LAWN!
3. Almond Joy
Shutterstock
If you’re one of the poor souls who have lost their way and are deciding to give out Almond Joy on trick-or-treat, you’d be better off putting a sign above your door announcing to the world that you hate children. No little person 12 or younger is counting down the days until they can munch on a chocolate bar with coconuts.
Nothing was more infuriating than some smug prick heading out Almond Joy in my treating days. Stay away from Almond Joy’s, please.
2. Mints
Shutterstock
If I were one of your spooky visitors coming to your doorstep on Halloween and you gave me mints, I would politely ask if you could provide me with fentanyl instead so I could put myself out of my misery. Mints are on my Mt. Rushmore of terrible Halloween candies.
We don’t need fresh breath on this night. We need to eat as much junk as possible, so when we are in the car with our mother, she can smell the dead carcass coming out of our mouths with each vibration of our vocal cords.
Don’t be the old fart that gives out mints.
1. Candy Corn
Shutterstock
Candy corn is the vilest creation this world has ever seen. If I was asked to do away with one of two options, and it was candy corn and the Atomic Bomb, I’m choosing Candy Corn every time. Candy corn fans should just announce they love eating plastic and start eating plastic bags at their local grocery store. A person that gives out candy corn on Halloween should be brought up on charges and spend a little time in the slammer.
This is my final verdict on the most overrated candies that everyone should stay away from this Halloween season. If your arsenal of candy doesn’t involve any of these, you are on the clear path to a successful Halloween. Stay spooky, my friends.
