Are you ready to wear a tech-ring over your junk to track and measure all of your sex data like you’re Ivan Drago training in a Soviet laboratory in Rocky IV?
The i.Con Smart Condom is marketing itself as the “world’s first smart condom,” when in actuality it’s just a ring you, ahem, fit around your nether parts while wearing a regular condom. The ring then tracks the thrust speed and velocity of your stroke and also detects chlamydia and syphilis (or so they say).
The ring was first announced last July and is currently available for preorder on British Condoms for roughly $74. The product’s release date is still unknown, but the company has said they won’t take your money until they have a firm grip (pun intended) on their release schedule.
Basically, this i.Con ring is a fancy way to tell you that you’re inadequate at sex. But if that wasn’t enough, the ring will pair with an app for data visualization. According to the preorder page, the ring answers the following burning (pun intended again) questions.
- Calories burnt during sexual intercourse
- Speed of thrusts
- Total number of thrusts
- Frequency of sessions
- Total duration of sessions
- Average velocity of thrusts
- Girth measurement
- Different positions used (currently BETA testing – will have more info in a release coming soon)
- Average skin temperature
The ring comes complete with a one-year warranty and a micro-USB charging port to provide six to eight hours of “live” usage. Some have raised concerns about the privacy of the device, with British Condoms saying “all data will be kept anonymous, but users will have the option to share their recent data with friends, or, indeed the world.”
I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve seen the Terminator movies like 3,678 times and this sounds dangerously close to the first step of the machine uprising. The moment to entrust a robot to safely encircle your mouse clicker is the moment you give up all control. Wake up, sheeple.