In what will soon become an episode of Portlandia, a couple in Portland, Oregon were awoken from a peaceful slumber early Thursday morning after a burglar climbed into their bed and started kissing them instead of ransacking their valuables.
WTF Portland?! That’s not how this works!
Richard Dean Defeudis, a 32-year-old man just looking to be loved, broke into the house near Chapman Elementary School and started stealing a few things as planned. But then he got a little tired, so he took off his clothes, climbed into bed with the couple, and woke them up with sweet kisses.
Adorable! Except for the fact that it’s totally f*cking creepy and a total fail on Defeudis’ part. If you’re going to be a thief in life, at least do it correctly!
Naturally the husband had a gun, which was an issue for numerous reasons: one, guns really kill the whole “maybe I can talk them into a threesome” vibe, and two, it’s really hard to put your pants on and dodge flying bullets simultaneously.
Police wound up finding the suspect at a vacant house about a block away. On the bright side, plenty of prisoners love to cuddle!
Weird Burglar Doesn't Know How to Burglarize Home, Climbs Into Bed With Couple Instead
