Micro Penises Celebrated in Brooklyn Contest, Faith in Humanity Has Been Lost

Over 100 people gathered to see microscopic penises in Brooklyn this weekend to compete for the title of most sexually incompetent. Because who doesn’t love being shamed for their nonexistent manhood in the middle of a Star Wars themed bar?

The crowd was surprisingly filled with women – or maybe not so surprisingly, what dude wants to feast on a buffet of micro dongs? – whom were pretty appreciative for the entertainment and warned to forego drunken ridicule as five men took to the stage.

An older past competitor coined “Rip Van Dinkle,” “Chino Loco,” “The Gentleman,” “Cromwell,” and the eventual winner, “Puzzlemaster,” revealed themselves to audience members while donning slinky black thongs and a sash with their name on it. A drag queen emcee named “Chicken Bitches” announced them and kept the rowdy as the men shook what they didn’t have.

According to Gothamist,

This year’s event was space/Star Wars-themed, so Puzzlemaster was awarded a victory lightsaber (DJ Syntax got into the theme of the day by dancing robotically).

Puzzlemaster competed in last year’s competition (though he lost), memorably reenacting Buffalo Bill’s “Would You Fuck Me? I’d Fuck Me” scene from Silence of the Lambs before dropping trou and treating the crowd to a view of his tucked-away junk. This year, he was given $500 in cash for his victory—when asked what he was going to do with the money, he told us that he has a baby on the way, so it’ll go towards costs for the little guy.

Guess size really doesn’t matter – the man looks pretty happy with his winnings:

Congrats Puzzlemaster! We’re hoping you’re just a grower.

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