Congress Goes After NFL — Here's A Team Of Congressional Criminals

That creepy video of NFL star Ray Rice punching out his then-fiancee (and later wife) has resulted in some good things, like increased awareness of spousal abuse, and Rice getting tossed off the Baltimore Ravens and losing endorsement deals. It’s also been cool to see the NFL getting exposed for trying to cover up the whole thing–although people who saw the other footage from the hotel were already disturbed that Rice had gotten off lightly after some clear physical violence.
But some bad could come out of it, too–mostly thanks to deep thinkers like Nancy Pelosi announcing that Congress might investigate the NFL over the Rice controversy. That’s not such a great idea. Consider that those who make laws, for whatever reason, seem indisputably inclined to break laws. The great state of Illinois had had five—count ’em—previous governors in a row leave their office for immediate long-term prison sentences.
Maybe Congress should police itself before worrying about the relative pittance of convictable creeps speckling the NFL. In keeping with the pro football practice of sending eleven players out on to the field, what follows now is a rogue’s gallery of eleven congressmen from the past decade alone who boast outstanding records—criminal records, that is. The difference between these cons and the ones in the House and Senate is that the ones below, like an intercepted pass, were caught…

Frank Ballance (D-NC)

U.S. House of Representatives
Rep. Ballance liked to balance his mail fraud and money laundering with income tax evasion. In 2005, after serving just one year in Congress, he served four years in a federal penitentiary.


Larry Craig (R-ID)

U.S. Senate
Larry “Wide Stance” Craig got stung in 2007 for lewd conduct after signaling he was hot for randy male companions to join him in Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport toilet stall. Craig copped a lesser plea for disorderly conduct, swore he wasn’t gay, and stated he’d finish out his term in the Senate, even as four separate gentleman came forth to boldly and openly detail their homosexual encounters with the married politician. The closet door finally slammed shut on Craig’s career in 2008.


Alcee Hastings (D-FL)

U.S. House of Representatives (Currently Serving)
This former judge is one of only eight federal officials in American history to be impeached and removed from office. There were some really serious charges of bribery and perjury–but guess what, America? That doesn’t mean that Hastings couldn’t get elected to the House, where Hastings leads the field in things like nepotism and being the U.S. Congressman with the worst record of managing his own money.


Duke Cunningham (R-CA)

U.S. House of Representatives
Duke’s abuse of power in regard to defense contractors doling out bribes for government contracts proved severe enough for the affair to get its own Wikipedia entry as the “Cunningham Scandal.” The rep accepted a guilty rap for pocketing $2.3 million in dirty money, and in 2005 he went away for four years.


Darrel Issa (R-CA)

U.S. House of Representatives (Currently Serving)
1972 was one exciting year for the currently serving Rep. Issa, as that was when he was arrested for two separate crimes. First, a grand jury indicted Issa for stealing a Maserati, and then he was picked up for driving the wrong way and popped for carrying a concealed weapon. Ever the grifting gearhead, in 1980 Issa impersonated his brother in an attempt to sell his sibling’s Mercedes sedan to a used car dealer. At present, Issa is Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.


Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-IL)

U.S. House of Representatives (Currently Serving) Busted in 2012 after buying a fur cape (among other hilarious expenditures), Triple J is serving two-and-a-half year sentence for wire and mail fraud connected to misuse of $750,000 in campaign funds. On the verge of the scandal, Jackson was regularly absent from Congress and claimed he was being treated for “mood disorders.”

Michael Crapo (R-ID)

U.S. Senate
Crapo drove loaded and got locked up, temporarily, in December 2012. For drunk driving, he was fined $250 and sentenced to six months in jail, but served no time. He has served in the Senate since 1999.


William J. Jefferson (D-LA)

U.S. House of Representatives
Rep. Jefferson tried to play it cool when FBI agents raided his home in 2009, but the situation turned hot when $90,000 cash turned up in a kitchen freezer. Jefferson went down on eleven counts of bribery, for which he is presently serving thirteen years.

Trey Radel (R-FL)

U.S. House of Representatives
When you get a year’s probation for cocaine possession, like Rep. Radel did in 2013, and then refuse to vacate your government position until party pressure forces you out—that’s called doing it the Trey Way.

Vito Fosella (R-NY)

U.S. House of Representatives
Virginia may be for lovers, but Rep. Fosella misunderstood that last part of motto as meaning for “lovers of drunk driving.” He was arrested for DUI in 2008, admitted a week later to fathering a child with an Air Force lieutenant colonel while he was married to someone else, and then rewarded the people of New York by announcing he’d finish the remainder of his term, which ended a year later.


Rick Renzi (R-AZ)

U.S. House of Representatives
Double R is doing three years for corruption charges that include wire fraud, conspiracy, extortion, racketeering, money laundering and insurance scams. In 2006, this Hall of Famer was named one of “The 20 Most Corrupt Members of Congress” in a report by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington.

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