So you’ve decided to pledge a fraternity. Congrats, bro. But before you get too excited, you should know what you’re getting yourself into. And since no self-respecting fraternity brother will reveal what tortures await you, we’ve decided to give you a heads-up as to what you should expect.
These are the 40 things every fraternity pledge will end up doing:
1) Driving a drunk brother somewhere.
2) Driving a sober brother somewhere.
3) Driving a brother’s girlfriend and her friends somewhere.
4) Something embarrassing and ridiculous for Big / Little Week.
5) Kicking someone out of their fraternity house that you like.
6) Reciting the Greek alphabet by heart but still not being able to read the letters.
7) Carrying something you’d rather not be seen with.
8) Something hot sauce that comes with a warning label on it.
9) Drinking a shitload of milk… and not because you’re trying to counteract the hot sauce.
10) Learning the difference between what’s “old” and “fresh” road kill–just by eyeballing it.
11) Cleaning the house better than they’ve ever cleaned anything of their own.
12) Lying to school officials about whether or not there’s hazing at your house.
13) Get pulled onto an intramural team of some sort (but as a water boy, not a player).
14) Fetching beers for brothers at every party you go to.
15) Regretting for just a few long seconds that you ever pledged a fraternity.
16) Breaking something by throwing it against a wall and feeling a strange sense of accomplishment you’ve never felt before.
17) Pretending you like that one complete douchebag upperclassman, even though you’ll celebrate the day he finally graduates.
18) ‘Bows and toes. If you don’t know yet, you will.
19) Secretly thanking your parents for never buying you that pickup truck you always thought you wanted.
20) Wearing women’s underwear…
21) Acting as bartender and getting a little too cocky when in reality you’re really just handing out plastic cups of Natty Light.
22) Locker boxing.
23) Walking someone else’s dog.
24) Listening to one of your pledge brothers’ drunk girlfriends complain about how she never gets to see her boyfriend anymore.
25) Introducing the seniors to your freshmen friends.
26) Throwing up somewhere publicly while people chant, then feeling strangely proud of yourself for doing it.
27) Listening to the same awful song at least a hundred times in a row.
28) Elephant walks. Right guys? Anyone…?
29) Shaming your passed out pledge brother at a party he should be helping you manage.
30) Defending your fraternity from attacks from other fraternities.
31) Stealing something from a sorority sister (clothing, pledge books, virginity, etc.).
32) Willingly try some type of controlled substance you’ve never tried before.
33) Stepping foot on a golf course.
34) Being locked in a dog cage for a night.
35) Learning every brother’s name and hometown by heart, and then f*cking it up when you’re eventually asked in front of everyone.
36) Building something for your fraternity, either a cornhole set or a beer pong table.
37) Raising a sizable chunk of money for your fraternity’s charity.
38) Something illegal that you’ll never mention to anyone but your pledge brothers.
39) Wishing that instead of whatever awful thing you were doing, you would rather just be paddled and get it over with.
40) Getting paddled and instantly regretting that wish.
41) Buying cigarettes or dutches for your brothers at 3 AM, then not being offered any to smoke.
42) Attending an anti-hazing class when you know damn well that you’re getting hazed with the brutal ideas you just learned about.
43) Hell Week.