Follow These Rules And You’ll (Probably) Make It Out Of The Eagles Parade Alive

By the grace of God, the Eagles have won a Super Bowl and now it’s time to celebrate. Millions are expected to line up Broad Street as Nick Foles, Fletcher Cox, Malcolm Jenkins, and the rest of the gang parade through Philly with the Lombardi. If Sunday night was any indication of what we can expect for Thursday then things are sure to get rowdy for the march down Broad as well.

It’s a good rowdy though. It’s that certain type of rambunctious joy that occurs when you dream about something for years (57 to be exact), then it finally happens. It’s wild and unexpected, and all you can do is smile. I’d liken it to falling in love for the first time. You’ve read about the feeling in the papers, seen it in the movies, and hell, you’ve even gotten close a couple times, but you never fully experienced it. Forever a sideline observer in a game you never win. But then all of the sudden, in a most unexpected way, it happens. You can’t explain it – no one ever can – but one cold February night you walk into the corner store and you see someone.

You ask him his name. He says, “Nick Foles.” And just like that, he’s swept you and the city of Philly off your feet and into the promised land. I mean who wouldn’t crumble at the sight of this man?

True love can blind anyone though. So if you’re worried about the cloudy judgment of millions of people during a parade that’ll be more like a long-awaited honeymoon, then simply follow these 5 rules. They’ll help you survive and, most importantly, enjoy the celebration that compliments a Super Bowl win.

1. Know The Chant

It happens to me every Christmas mass. It seems like everyone but me responds in perfect harmony and unison. I try to mumble along and get by, but the entire congregation knows I’m a square. A square who doesn’t know the hip chants and new church slang. So don’t be like me. Don’t be a square. Memorize this song that is sure to echo from Broad Street to the great beyond:

“Fly, Eagles Fly!
On The Road To Victory! (Fight! Fight! Fight!)
Fight, Eagles fight!
Score a touchdown 1, 2, 3! (1! 2! 3!)
Hit ’em low!
Hit ’em high!
And watch our Eagles fly!
Fly, Eagles Fly!
On The Road To Victory!
E-A-G-L-E-S!
Eagles!”

2. Wear Philly Stuff

It’s obvious but definitely worth a mention. Eagles, Flyers, Phillies, and Sixers attire will all do the trick. Even if you’re not a fan, be one for a day.  It’s a day of celebration, not a day to mark your territory on enemy ground.

Fair warning – if you choose to wear outsider apparel, expect some chirps. A lot of chirps. And remember, chirps only escalate if you chirp back. So even if you have a witty retort for a group of chirping Birds fans, it’s best to save it for a non-parade day. All that aside… just know that it’s always easier to suck it up and at the very least, wear a boring grey sweatshirt.

In similar news, be sure to bundle up because the high is supposed to be 30 degrees and the wind chill is going to feel more like 20. So wear a hat, scarf, gloves, and if possible, throw an Eagles jersey over top.

3. Drink Beer

Nothing brings folks together more than a few bud lights. Lucky for you, your first one will be free tomorrow. That should help give everyone a little head start in bonding. I know drinking may sound a bit counter-intuitive if your primary goal is to survive… But hey, as long as you’re not driving, crack open a cold one. A few beers can help put the mind at ease so you can fully embrace the celebration and relieve any crowd-induced anxiety. Also, do it because drinking is fun.

But what if you gotta go? No need to fret. The city is providing 850 porta-johns so you’ll be covered.

4. Eat Food

I wouldn’t dare go to war on an empty stomach for fear of low energy and crankiness. Super Bowl parades are no different. Keep your appetite in check and your mind clear by taking advantage of some special Philly restaurant deals in honor of the Eagle’s win. There will also be an estimated 40 food trucks along the parade route, and Shake Shack will be giving out free scoops of custard all day at its Center City, University City and King of Prussia locations. Nothing cures crankiness like custard.

5. Have An Exit Plan

Think of this parade as one big concert in an undersized venue. You enter. Do some singing and uncoordinated dancing. Then towards the end, you start planning your escape. You know it’s going to be a mad rush for the exit so it’s best to plan ahead. You can either sneak out early or wait until the crowd dies down after the show. The mad rush for all roads leaving Philly will be from 2-7pm. If you choose to leave in that timeframe then be prepared to zone out while slugging through traffic beside your fellow parade attendees. If traffic isn’t your cup of tea then leave before 2pm or saddle up somewhere and wait ’till the madness dies down.

Unfortunately for those who were planning on taking SEPTA or PATCO out of Philly, all tickets are sold out. For all those traveling within the city, SEPTA will be running and free of charge. Click here for additional info on parking information and street closures.

At the end of the day, just remember the Birds won. That’s all that matters. Follow these rules or don’t. I haven’t a care in the world. All that matters is the Philadelphia Eagles won a Super Bowl.

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