I’m a New York Yankees fan which means I hate everything Boston Red Sox. I hate Boston, I hate the color red and I hate socks. Yeah, it’s like that…But even I can begrudgingly acknowledge how truly amazing David Ortiz was and how much he meant for the city of Boston. Though it pains me to say it, I do respect Big Papi as a baller and a stand up dude.
As it turns out, so do the Red Sox (surprise surprise) as they retired his No. 34 jersey before Friday night’s game against the Los Angeles Angels. Ortiz is just the 11th player in franchise hisotry to have his number retired joining the likes of Ted Williams and Pedro Martinez. But before Ortiz would commemorate his 14 years in Boston, fellow Bean Town athletes and comedians absolutely shredded him at the Roast of David Ortiz at the House of Blues.
Bill Burr, Dustin Pedroia and Rob Gronkowski were the headliners and The Boston Globe was there to transcribed the best of the best.
“Where the fuck do you get off being honored when you only have three championships? Last I checked, Brady had five and he’s still playing. Imagine if you just ate a salad every once in a while.” — Bill Burr, on David Ortiz
“They were gonna make a bobblehead for Dustin Pedroia, but he refused to lay in the box long enough for them to make the mold.” — Josh Wolf, on Dustin Pedroia
“You’re an author of a best-selling book, and the biggest word in that book was ‘baseball.’ Now you’ve actually written one more book than you’ve read.” — Lenny Clarke, on David Ortiz
“You’ll have a reunion and see Pedro and Manny—and the team of ICE agents Curt Schilling called to deport all of you, because he’s a racist fuck.” — Josh Wolf, on David Ortiz’s retirement ceremony
“You look like the Dominican Babe Ruth, if he ate all the Baby Ruths. You look like a groundhog with a drinking problem. Seriously, I hope we raise some money tonight, and send it toward David’s diabetes problems. What’s that, ‘David doesn’t have diabetes’? Well he’s already running like they amputated a foot, so you tell me what’s going on.” — Adam Ray, on David Ortiz
“Every year, Gronk gets injured. Whether it’s breaking his arm or from pulling his back or from having a full-on seizure from trying to read the word ‘elephant.’” — Adam Ray, on Rob Gronkowski
“You’ve never seen Papi in shorts, and that’s scary. Motherfucker skipped leg day every day of the week. People wonder why he’s so slow to first base. I’m like, you try carrying 250 pound on two burnt popsicle sticks!” — Anthony Mackie, on David Ortiz
“Did you know a DH spends an average of 4.3 minutes a game actually doing something athletic? My mom’s Fitbit has more steps from a brisk mall walk than David notched in a fucking doubleheader. Oh, Papi, you’re an inspiration to overweight beer league softball players everywhere.” — Rob Gronkowski, on David Ortiz
Congrats, Big Papi. Now watch my Yankees cruise into the playoffs this season.