Hi, yes, bartender, I’ll have a tall glass of “NOPE”, because f*ck whatever this is. This, uh, chupacabra, is one hundred percent pure nightmare juice, and I want this article to be over. A Ukrainian farmer, known only as Ivan, has claimed to have killed the legendary blood-sucking chupacabra after it was terrorizing his livestock. Uh, yeah, Ivan, I think having the body is far more than a claim. That’s stone cold proof.
The nightmare jackal was reportedly hunted down by the man with a PITCHFORK when it stalked into one of his barns in search of food. So not only did Ivan ice this thing, but he went straight medieval on it’s ass. Now, you might be saying “Well, it’s Ukraine. We basically have no idea what the hell goes on over there, and that could probably be one of the animals specific to the region.” Well, nope, because an wildlife professional weighed in on the issue. Valeriy Dopiryak, the head of the Regional State Laboratory of Veterinary Medicine, said:
“I’m not sure what the animal was. It resembles an African Fox, but its teeth, neck, ears and paws are too long. We can’t say what it is.”
LADY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T SAY WHAT IT IS?! ISN’T THAT YOUR JOB?! That cannot be good.
As for the demon slaying hero Ivan, he said:
‘The chupacabra was hunting and I killed it. It had been scaring local people for a long time.”
Seriously, shout out to my dude Ivan for being so chill about the whole thing. He’s basically like, “Yeah, I killed the sh*t outta that abomination. What’s it to you?” Those eastern Europeans, man, they are not to be trifled with.
The chupacabra is folklore in parts of the Americas and was purportedly first seen in Puerto Rico. Chupacabra’ means ‘goat sucker’ and comes from the animal’s reported habit of attacking and drinking the blood of livestock. This particular chupacabra was allegedly capable of jumping over 6ft walls.
So, again, kind bartender, please give me a tall, cold glass of “F*ck That”, please.