I moved into Rutgers University on August 30, 2011. As some of you, especially in the Northeast, may remember, it was the weekend of Hurricane Irene. Moving into a dorm is a sh*t show regardless of circumstances, let alone after a full-blown hurricane. Me and my roommate Ricky moved everything in as fast as we could, and not out of excitement, but because the weather the day after a hurricane is only marginally better than weather the day of one. Wind was still whipping, there was tree debris flying all over the place, and the rain, while not torrential, was steady. It was wet hell. But we finished, and as the cliche goes, killed a handle of cheap vodka together that night. Everyone has their own regional garbage can vodka –Rutgers had Travelers Club.
Fast forward 1721 days, and we find ourselves at May 15, 2016, the day I watched the President of The United States speak at my graduation, but maybe more importantly, the last day I would ever have to drink Traveler’s Club. And as I sat there, gowned and capped, wind whipping my face and rain dropping on my shoulders, I realized how much of an unusually cold day it was for the middle of May. That would bother some — their graduation day being tainted by unseasonably crappy weather — but I chuckled, because it reminded me the day I arrived — an unusually cold day in August, 1721 days ago.
Maybe it was the whole “full circle” type feeling that college graduation seems to bring. Or maybe it was the seven Screwdrivers I had earlier that morning, but I was feeling a little sentimental. I began thinking of that miserable August 2011 day, and began to think about who I was then, who I am now, how I changed, and why. But how do you remember 41,304 hours of your life, let alone summarize them in an article? How do you describe 2,478,240 minutes of life changing experiences? I can’t. But I can try.
It took me 148, 684, 400 seconds to graduate, but how did I spend them, and what did I learn?
1. I learned not to rush. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Always take your time.
When I was a sophomore, I broke my ankle right before the beginning of the semester, asininely jumping off of my buddies deck. It happened, mainly, because I was drunk. But it also happened because I rushed into a decision without really thinking it through. I had to be placed in a boot to begin the year — my first year living in a frat house– and as you can imagine, it was miserable. But I learned something during that time in the boot: that was also not to physically rush. The broken ankle forced me to make all of movements calculated, and deliberate. Life was literally slower, but it was at this pace that I learned how much just slowing things down can really clear the head.
Life moves fast enough without our help, slow it down where you can, even if that means shattering your ankle just to catch your breath. It took me 20 years to learn not to rush.
2. I learned that fear only sets in when you allow it to.
When I was a senior (the first time), me and about 10 of my other buddies got robbed. I don’t need to get into details, but I can promise you it was the full blown robbery experience, armed and all. Everything happened so rapidly: they came in so quickly, we reacted so quickly, they left so quickly, our minds were moving so f*cking quickly, that none of us had time to even process what was happening to us. I didn’t even understand we were being robbed before I reacted. We quite literally went primal. I know I was, I was running on pure instinct. Point being, it wasn’t until days later, that some of us became scared of the consequences of what could have happened, and what would happen if they came back. It look days for the adrenaline to ween out, and the fear to kick in.
The fear only set in when we let it. It took me 22 years to learn not to fear.
3. I learned that you should always fight for what you believe in, no matter how stupid or simple that belief may be. Always.
We were in all types of fights with all different people. When I was a freshman, sophomore, and junior, local New Brunswick residents, who were either gang-affiliated, or had friends who were, would try to come into our parties. Telling them no usually ended in a fight. They just refused the answer “no”. But we fought them, and won, every time, and they would never retaliate. We held our ground.
When I was a senior, we got in a fight with the lacrosse team in the middle of the local bar, Olde Queens Tavern. I don’t really remember why, it certainly wasn’t a good reason at all, but again, we fought them, and we won, and most importantly, we got to keep our corner of the bar. My buddy actually stomped on a kid, then immediately turned around to buy us a shots of Jameson. I’ve gotten into fights over girls, over someone making fun of my old earrings. I once got into a fight with a kid because he blew me a hostile, “you’re my bitch” kiss from across the bar. I lost that one, I think?
None of these fights were intelligent decisions, on anyone’s part, but I was fighting for what I believed in, and that’s all that mattered. People will learn to respect you if you stand your ground. It took me 22 years to learn that.
4. I learned relationships are far more complicated than I planned.
When I got to college, my high school girlfriend dumped me. Like, one of those messy break ups where you two end up hating everything about each other. It was ugly. She wanted nothing to do with me for the better part of my freshman year. However, as life would go, by sophomore year, we were dating again. It was complicated in ways that can’t be translated into text, but we made it work. But, later that school year, I would dump her, for a bi-sexual chick with short blonde, and sometimes blue, and sometimes white, or maybe pink, hair. If my high school girlfriend represented sticking with devil you know, this new chick represented jumping off a cliff with the devil you don’t. We were together for about half a year, until she would dump me the beginning of junior year. I haven’t been in a relationship since.
I spent half of my college life in some sort of upside down relationship, and I always wondered if it was just me. Maybe I’m crazy. But after college, I can confidently say it wasn’t just me, it’s all of us: we’re all f*cking crazy, and all relationships are upside down, so we better get used to it. It took me 21 years to learn that.
5. I learned that each second is worth far more than you realize.
See, I told you: full circle. In college, I learned that worrying about the past and the future are acts of futility. I am, we are, the sum of all the seconds we’ve seen and lived thus far. I’ve seen a girl fall off of a fire escape, and a gun pointed in my friends face. I’ve had real knives pulled on me, and far more painful metaphorical ones stabbed into my back. I’ve seen friends cry from broken ribs, and broken hearts. I’ve loved ex-girlfriends, girl “friends”, bi-sexual girls, girls I’ve met once, and girls I’ve known my whole life — and hated them seconds later. I’ve seen three people, two of which who were dear friends, be hit by cars. I’ve had people make my day, and unravel my entire world, with just one text message. I’ve been threatened by complete strangers and my closest friends. I’ve broken bones in my ankle being a drunken fool, and bones in my hand defending what is mine.
We all change far more rapidly than we realize. Your life, and your outlook of it, can be flipped head over heels in the same time it took you to read this very sentence. I don’t remember much of college as a whole, but I remember these individual moments– these seconds– and I realize that every single one of those incremental moments were far more consequential than I realized. All of those infinitesimal little seconds piled up into one mountain of time to create the man I am today.
It took me 148, 694, 400 seconds to graduate college, but it took me a lifetime to become who I am.
