This Tennessee Man Tried to Have Sex With…Well, Everything

Police in Murfreesboro, Tennessee caught a very lonely human being trying to have sex with just about any inanimate object that sauntered into his line of sight.
Lonnie Hutton, 49, was arrested last Friday for trying to have sex with an automatic teller machine and a picnic table during what appeared to be a drunken, late night binge.
Police reports said that Hutton wandered into the Boro Bar and Grill Friday night and immediately walked up to the ATM machine. He then removed his pants and underwear, pulled out “Lil’ Lonnie” and proceeded to introduce him to the ATM machine. The bar owner immediately called police and the responding officers first saw Lonnie still having his way with the machine. Then he started walking around the bar “thrusting his hips in the air” in the hopes that his junk might wander into something he could hump. Also, the bartender probably didn’t pull him off of the machine because the cold water button on his soda gun wasn’t working at the time.
Police sat Hutton down on a nearby picnic table while they interviewed suspects. As their backs were turned, Hutton started getting it on with the picnic table. Did we mention that he was drunk at the time of both incidents? We thought we should clarify that in case there was any confusion at this point in the story.
Hutton received a public intoxication charge and we hope a visit to the nearby hospital after making love to a “wooden” picnic table.