VELVEETA SHORTAGE THREATENS SUPER BOWL, BALANCE OF UNIVERSE

Velveeta Cheese is at risk of a shortage–declares the fine folks of Kraft Foods. And that’s damn worrisome, and even more so since 2013 was a year of essential life sustenance crises. Twinkies disappeared and came back smaller. Sriracha hot sauce production slowed to panic levels and may not resume to normal for some time. And now Kraft Foods might be running out of Velveeta, which every man adores as the magically gloppy and radiantly golden “processed cheese product” that’s too delicious to be classified as a mere dairy food. And just weeks ahead of lazy-ass Super Bowl dip season.
As with so many of the best things you can put in your mouth, the mystery of how it got there only enhances the flavor—or lack thereof. Kraft even seems to be playing up the Secret of the Velveeta angle, with company representative Jody Moore acknowledging the shortage but refusing to name any specific reasons. Instead, she just dismisses this as a routine, time-to-time mishap due to “the nature of manufacturing.” It’s curious that Ms. Moore would use the word “nature” in reference to Velveeta, isn’t it?
The timing, as noted, stinks as bad as, well, that bowl of processed cheese product left in the microwave set on high all night after somebody passed out. With the Super Bowl looming, commercials are bombarding sports broadcasts that tout a chili con queso that’s better than queso because it’s con Velveeta. All those ads just rub hot sauce in the wounds of a nation of half-ass nacho makers who now stand imperiled—and that hot sauce, for sure, is not even Sriracha.
Once they come for our Nutella, perhaps then we’ll wake up. And go clean out the microwave.