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Constantine is the balloon-muscled gym monster also known as “Big Con,” and who will forever–courtesy of the video for “Get Swoll”–be remembered as the brawn that bent the Internet. Well, at least for four minutes and thirteen seconds as the star and perpetrator of this musical cautionary anthem.

To a looping metal guitar riff and some (not entirely unpleasing) jackhammer percussion, Con raps about the joys of hulking hugeness while he rocks a hot tub with a quintet of bikini babes, saves a skinny blonde kid from beefy backpack thieves, and inspires a gaggle of grandmas to up their workout routines. It’s all fun and President’s Council on Physical Fitness activities until suddenly Con’s packing heat, peddling coke, cracking skulls, and ordering his bespectacled doppelganger to commit suicide. “Plenty of pussy, plenty of cash,” he boasts, “and plenty of respect from the people I bash!”

But then Con’s got a bloody nose and heavy conscience. He wonders how it all came to this—just in time for a skinny Latin kid to get menaced by bullies and, thereby, remind Big Con that his real mission in life is to apply his brontosaurus biceps to the protection of school bags of the downtrodden. Big Con promises a follow-up to be titled, “Love It, Kill It”. That title perfectly describes what you’ll feel while watching “Get Swoll”—especially in heavy repetitions.

  • COED Writer