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Trust Us, You’re Going To Want To See This Movie About A 17th Century Amsterdam-Based Painter

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The Weinstein Company

*cue the 30 for 30 music*

What if I told you that historical dramas weren’t just for your grandparents?

What if I told you Cara Delevigne would be the second hottest chick in a movie?

And what if I told you the first hottest chick in the movie, Alicia Vikander, spends most of the movie naked. As Bob Ryan would say, is that something you might be interested in? Of course, you would!

That’s right folks, based on the context clues from the trailer for Tulip Fever, it appears to be a movie where Lara Croft spends a lot of time going behind Hans Landa’s back to bang Harry Osborne. Sure, seeing bug-eyed head ass Dane Dehaan get to roll around with Alicia Vikander may piss me off a little bit, but I’m sure Alicia’s near perfection will offset that jealousy quite quickly.

“In 17th Century Amsterdam, an orphaned girl (Alicia Vikander) is forcibly married to a rich and powerful merchant (Christoph Waltz) – an unhappy “arrangement” that saves her from poverty. After her husband commissions a portrait, she begins a passionate affair with the painter (Dane DeHaan), a struggling young artist. Seeking to escape the merchant’s ever-reaching grasp, the lovers risk everything and enter the frenzied tulip bulb market, with the hope that the right bulb will make a fortune and buy their freedom.”

Tulip Fever, directed by Justin Chadwick and written by Tom Stoppard, is adapted from a novel by Deborah Moggach. It stars Alicia Vikander, Dane DeHaan, Jack O’Connell, Zach Galifianakis, Judi Dench, Christoph Waltz, Holliday Grainger, Matthew Morrison and Cara Delevingne. The plot follows a 17th-century painter in Amsterdam who falls in love with a married woman whose portrait he has been hired to draw.

It will be released in theatres September 1, 2017.

COED Writer
A New Jersey native & Rutgers University graduate who firmly believes it's better to be lucky than good. My goal in life is to one day write a Batman screenplay. You can probably find me somewhere cooking either too little or too much pasta. contact me - eric.italiano@teamcoed.com