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Reason #384 Not To Get Into A Street Fight: You May Get Your Ding Dong Chopped Off

via Shutterstock

via Shutterstock

There are plenty of reasons not to get in a street fight, but getting your dick chopped off, commonly referred to as Rule #384, HAS to be near the top. Seriously, just kill me. Don’t give me one of those prosthetic dicks, don’t turn me into a woman, just f*cking put me outta my misery on the spot. I’ll sign whatever legal paperwork necessary.

We take you up to Canada, where this guy is having a worse week than any American by far. According to the Toronto Sun, 20 people witnessed a man having his penis cut off followed by five gunshots, but no one saw or heard anything. So not only did this dude get his baby-maker severed, but it happened in the hood, where ain’t nobody snitching. Maybe if this happened in a trendy downtown area, they’d have a shot of catching this guy, but you know nobody is ratting where this happened.

Via Toronto Sun:

In this bloody incident, just before 4:00 A.M. Saturday on Mercer St. near John St., there’s now two men in hospital with stitches — one set sewed back a man’s severed penis. The other victim had major surgery to repair the damage caused by a bullet going into his stomach.

Toronto Police said in a news release Tuesday: “During the fight, a man from the first group stabbed a 38-year-old man from the second group” and “a man from the first group then shot a 26-year-old man from the second group.”

The stabbed man jumped on a rented party bus before being rushed to hospital. An ambulance came to save the gunshot victim — four of the other shots could have ricochetted into the windows of a condo building.

It is believed the shooter fled on foot. Police have released a photograph of a suspect who they describe as a “black man … wearing a red puffy, down-filled jacket, dark pants, and a dark shirt.”

Who knew Toronto was like the wild west? The way Drake is always thinking about it, you’d think it was just a bunch of Canadians drinking Molsons having a grand ole time, but nope, you step to the wrong dude, you can lose your dick. Luckily for this guy, the doctors were able to reattach his penis, meaning he doesn’t have to kill himself now.

“The victim of the stabbing suffered grievous, life-changing injuries,” is all Hominuk would confirm.

“The doctors did work hard to reattach his penis,” said a source.

COED Writer
A New Jersey native & Rutgers University graduate who firmly believes it's better to be lucky than good. My goal in life is to one day write a Batman screenplay. You can probably find me somewhere cooking either too little or too much pasta. contact me -