The new-look New York Knicks kicked off the NBA season with quite the bang… just kidding. They got blasted by 29 points to the Cavaliers, in what was the greatest day in the history of Cleveland. I don’t think very many people were expecting the Knicks to win the other night, but it would have been up if they at least showed up for the second half.
Look, I’m a Knicks fan and want to see them do great, but I’m not stupid enough to think that they can realistically be a contender this year, or the year after, or the year after, and so on. The main problem with the Knicks is having a dip shit of an owner, and because I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon, they’re going to be stuck where they are for the foreseeable future.
Fortunately for the Knicks, I’m a fantastic problem solver and can help save the franchise. Alright, that’s a lie because my life is a mess, but just bare with me on this. Here are the steps I would take (hypothetically speaking) to help turn the future of the franchise around and get them back on top. Okay, getting to the top is a bit unrealistic, so let’s settle for back to being respectable.
1. Build the Entire Team Around Kristaps Porzingis
This one isn’t rocket science. I’ll admit that I was one of the assholes that booed Porzingis when the Knicks drafted him in 2015 because European players don’t pan out in the NBA for the most part, and I was gladly wrong about the Big Zingis; so here is my formal apology for ever doubting him. Anyways, the problem for Porzingis is that he plays in a starting lineup with two guys who are going to take over 20 shots a game in Carmelo Anthony and Derrick Rose. I’m a big fan of both players, but you can’t win if you have two guys who average about 45% shooting from the floor taking a majority of the team’s shots. Porzingis is clearly the future of the team, and if you want to develop him you need to start getting him more shots; the guy is Dirk 2.0. My quick fix would be to fine Derrick Rose $10,000 for every shot he misses when his field goal attempts are over 15 for the game; that way he’ll learn to move the ball around more because he is the point guard, for God’s sake. The same goes for Carmelo, but I’d let him shoot 20 times a game because he’s a better scorer.
2. Scrap the Triangle Offense
Here’s a fun fact for you: the Triangle Offense sucks. President Phil Jackson implemented the system when he was signed back in 2014 because it’s the only system he’s known since he was in the NBA. Newsflash Zen Master- MJ, Pippen, Kobe, and Shaq aren’t walking through that door anytime soon to help make your crappy offense work. Jackson has recently admitted that the offense is outdated, which proves that he’s somewhat self-aware and not just a crazy old man. Head coach Jeff Hornacek said he wants to speed up the triangle this year, whatever the hell that means, but that’s not how the NBA is today. Instead of just speeding up an offense that doesn’t work, how about you just try running an up-tempo offense where you aren’t last in the league in fast break points, which is how many of the teams succeed in the league today, you know like the Warriors? So scrap the Triangle offense, and really anything that resembles a triangle at Madison Square Garden as well. I’m talking coat hangers, tortilla chips (Tostitos Scoops are far better anyways), pizza slices (crust is overrated, square slices all day), lampshades in the locker room if there are any, billiards racks, and any type of triangular cut sandwiches. Just get yourselves as far away from the Triangle as possible.
3. Trade Melo
This one is a bit tough for me because I’m a big Carmelo guy. I was excited when they traded for him back in 2011, but one playoff series win during his time in New York in a shitty Eastern Conference just proves he’s never going to win a title as the top dog on the team. If he wanted to start being the second fiddle to Porzingis as I previously mentioned, then hell yeah you’re staying, but the problem with that is an NBA player of his caliber has too big of an ego to do that. Yeah, I know he’s got a no-trade clause built into his latest deal and has no plans on waiving it, but if the Knicks suck for long enough (they will) he could consider going to another team. I would personally try trading him to the Clippers, because A.) they’re a big market team with a chance at contending for a title, and B.) you could possibly get Blake Griffin or DeAndre Jordan for him because the two of them and Chris Paul are never going to win a title together, so why not shake things up. Also, for the record, Doc Rivers is an overrated coach, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s make this deal happen Clippers, let Melo play with his buddy CP3, and give us Blake Griffin in return.
4. Ban Spike Lee From Sitting Courtside
The Knicks have not won a championship since Spike Lee started sitting courtside, and that’s a fact. They last won a title in 1973, and he made his first movie in 1983, so there’s no way he was famous enough or wealthy enough to sit courtside back then. Ever since he started showing his face in the front row during the ’90s (I think that’s when, but I have no idea), the team has suffered through heartbreak after heartbreak. I’ll give him a pass for the Knicks having to deal with Michael Jordan in the ’90s, that one isn’t on him, but they managed to make the Finals twice in years he was retired and they lost both times. The ’90s Knicks were awesome and it was a goddamn travesty they didn’t win a championship. Since then, they’ve made the playoffs five times. A lot of the team’s misery comes from James Dolan being a jackass, but nobody is putting enough blame on Spike and the curse he’s placed on the Knicks ever since he started sitting in Celebrity Row. My quick fix is to ban him from sitting courtside, but because I’m not a jerk who thinks he shouldn’t be allowed to go to Knicks games at all, put him up in one of the luxury suites so he’s still living the good life. Also maybe it’s just me, but Spike Lee kind of comes across as kind of an asshole.
As brilliant as my solutions may be to solving the Knicks’ problems, their biggest problem will always be their incompetent douchebag of an owner in James Dolan, who is less qualified to run an NBA franchise than my dog is (black Lab, for all those wondering). Sit tight Knick fans, we’re going to be sitting at the bottom of the Eastern Conference for the next few years.