Murder in the Morning: Sorry Ladies, But Delonte Thomas is Off The Market

Do you ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Feel like you really need to get your sh*t together? Feel pissed off? Have a bad day? Feel not quite yourself or down in the dumps? Us too. And we don’t know about you, but what always makes us feel better is some good old-fashioned murder.

Nothing brightens our day or puts a spring in our step quite like some heinous atrocities, particularly when we feel like everyone around us is practically asking for it. So rather than forcing you guys to scour the Internet looking for something dark enough to put a smile on your face, and jump out of bed bright eyed and bushy tailed, COED correspondent Rebecca Payne went through the trouble for you. Because that’s what good samaritans of the world do.

Welcome to Murder in the Morning. Today we have Delonte Thomas, an incredibly loyal boyfriend who went f*cking crazy at a birthday party for reasons that don’t make much sense. But either way, there is a lesson to be learned here: always sing “Happy Birthday,” even if your voice sounds similar to that of a prepubescent boy’s.

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