Mystery Illness Strikes Philadelphia’s Ursinus College, Proves Cafeteria Food Can Never Be Trusted

It’s like the start of a zombie movie. At Ursinus College in Collegeville, PA, all classes have been cancelled from Thursday into Friday due to a mystery illness that’s sweeping the campus.



The illness, which has been politely described as a “gastrointestinal ailment,” is characterized by diarrhea, vomiting and abdominal pain. Students have taken to calling it the “Ursinus Plague.”

Breaking news


According to ABC 6 Action News, a total of 185  students have contacted the student health center since the illness started working its way through the school’s population a couple days ago. In an effort to determine the source, the campus’s dining hall was temporarily closed to allow the Montgomery County Health Department (MCHD) to  investigate.

“It is unknown at this time whether the illness is food-borne or transmitted by person-to-person contact,” reported a statement released by the college.

Students are reminded to wash their hands and avoid any sort of contact with other people whatsoever. Classes will resume Monday—you know, unless those afflicted start getting a hankering for human flesh.

No reports yet of students eating one another


“It is common at this time of year for gastrointestinal illnesses (GI), such as Norovirus, more commonly known as the stomach bug, to be circulating in the community, particularly in institutions like colleges and long-term care facilities where people are living in close quarters,” said the MCHD.

A likely story, but some students have seen this particular movie before:

Be Prepared: a Boy Scout motto


Time to suit up.

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