1. What are your plans after you graduate?
Right now the only plan I have is to grieve the best part of my life for as long as possible. After that, who knows! Maybe travel the country with a dog and guitar.
2. Wow, that went by so fast!
Yeah I f*cking know it went by fast, I was there. It felt like just yesterday I was moving into that minuscule dorm and chugging my first beer with a bunch of obliterated strangers. Those were the days.
3. Good luck paying those loans.
Please just kill me now.
4. The economy is really in the sh*tter these days.
Thanks for the wise words! I’ll be sure to remember them when I’m doing myself in later.
5. What are you going to do with that degree?
I have no clue! Adventure Education with a concentration in whitewater kayaking seemed like a good idea at the time.
6. Welcome to the real world.
I don’t understand, have I been in a fake world this whole time? Because I could make a lot of money off of that story and I really wish someone notified me about it earlier.
7. Are you going to marry that girl?
What exactly do you mean by marry?
8. You’re no longer getting an allowance.
So… I’m getting more money? Because an allowance is what I got for emptying the trash when I was in 5th grade. That’s not going to get me sh*t.
9. Sorry, we turned your bedroom into an office.
It’s bad enough I have to move back in, but sleeping on the raggedy old couch in the basement really takes the cake.
10. Are you ready to graduate?
Are you ready for a swift kick to the face?
11. Oh, Suzie starts college in the fall!
Ohhh that’s so great for her! Go Suzie! I f*cking hate you Suzie.
12. Have you thought about going to grad school?
Yes, about $150,000 ago when I didn’t have any loans to pay back. It was looking pretty bright for me back then.
13. You need benefits.
Well I need an interview first, so let’s start with that.
14. How many jobs have you applied for so far?
I’ve spent the last few weeks drinking my face off and wondering what the hell I’m going to do with the rest of my existence. So to answer your question, none.
15. You’re no longer in college, that’s no longer acceptable.
WHY GOD WHY!?!?!? DON’T MAKE ME GO!!!!