List Of Things That Scare Me More Than Ebola In NYC [PHOTOS]

By now you’ve probably heard that Ebola is in New York City and that we’re all going to die.

The fact of the matter is that if you didn’t believe that Ebola was going to be in the United States and not wind up here in NYC–the most crowded metropolitan area of the country, packed with hundreds of thousands of illegals, migrants, and normal people traveling through it every day–you’re delusional.

The city has known for weeks that this day was coming, and you should have too. Unfortunately there’s still a whole bunch of shit that you can’t prepare for.

1. Actually throwing up from the stench of some of the homeless people in subway stations. 34th Street, I’m looking at you.

2. Having sidewalk grates collapse under my weight.

3. Getting hit by a delivery bike.

4. Contracting herpes from a toilet seat.

5. Being invited to go to bowling alley–even one that’s not infected with Ebola.

6. Not having my marijuana delivery man come on time when I have to leave for an appointment. That would mean I get blackballed from him forever and have to find someone else.

7. Being murdered.

8. I’m 21 now, but I used to be terrified my fake ID would be stolen.

9. Having someone push me on the subway tracks.

10. Forgetting my credit card at a bar.

11. Having my Ebola-free subway not show up for twenty minutes.

12. Shitting my pants. I’m good for about two of those a year.

13. Being a victim of the fake game “Knockout.”

14. Actually having the police on the subway “Stop and Frisk” me when I have illegal things on me.

15. Running into an ex of mine on the street. This is my version of a nightmare.

16. Having to ride the L train during rush hour.

17. Forgetting about some stupid parade or event that closes off half of Manhattan, effectively trapping me on one side of the city.

18. Times Square. The whole thing.

19. Having friends come visit me in NYC and ask me to show them around.

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