15 Reasons Why the Weekend Won’t Suck

Why This Weekend Won't Suck

September sails off in fine style over the next three days. Baseball heads into the playoffs, football occupies the entirety of Sunday, and TV dazzles with returning installments of guy favorites Saturday Night Live, Shark Tank, and a legendary-before-it-even-happens mash-up meetings of The Simpsons and Family Guy.

Andre 3000 will be onstage for Outkast’s three-day #ATLast festival in Atlanta, and on movie screens everywhere as Jimi Hendrix in the film, Jimi: All Is By My Side. Also in theaters: Denzel Washington doing what he’s been doing so well—kicking ass and guffawing his trademark laugh all the way through it—in The Equalizer.

In addition, Taylor Momsen brings her heavy metal coquette sex circus the Pretty Reckless to Dallas, and you can pre-game for her show by attending the Texas Craft Brewers Festival in Austin and The Bacon & Beer Classic in Houston (you’ll just have to move fast: reports are that the Lone Star State may actually be of considerable size).

The week ahead brings October and, with it, the scariest time of the semester. No, not Halloween—mid-terms.

Here are the 13 coolest things to do this weekend.

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MLB’s Final Playoff Race Weekend

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The final three days of major league baseball’s 2014 season are upon us. Two division titles are yet to be won, two wild-card spots are up for grabs, and numerous post-season home-field advantages will be determined by Monday. So it’s a big weekend. Highlights look to be the Tigers clinching the AL Central by steamrolling the Twins, first place NL Central Cardinals wrapping things up over the last-place Diamondbacks, and the Angels winning home field advantage by defeating the Mariners. Of course, we could be wrong.


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TomorrowWorld

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Unfortunately we’re sitting out TomorrowWorld this year but that doesn’t mean that doesn’t mean that the tens of thousands of people heading down to ATL aren’t going to have the time of their lives. If you’re like us and stuck at home, though, don’t worry because the entire festival will be streaming on Youtube.com/TomorrowWorld. The only issue is that you won’t be surrounded by nearly as many hot ladies raving their faces and tops off. Or drugs.


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Outkast #ATLast Weekend

(9/26-28)

Outkast masterminds Andre 3000 and Big Boi, two of Atlanta’s all-time favorite sons, wrap up a triumphant 2014 reunion tour with a three-day blowout in their hometown’s Centennial Olympic Park. Outkast headlines all three nights, and this will be their final appearance for the foreseeable future. Friday’s line-up includes 2 Chainz, Janelle Monroe, Future, Bun B (Solange had to cancel due to a gnarly root canal). Saturday brings Childish Gambino, Kid Cudi, and Raury. Sunday’s final bow will feature B.o.B., Killer Mike, 8 Ball & Mug, K-Camp, Kilo Ali, Big Gipp, and DJ Unk.


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The Equalizer In Theaters

(9/26)

Like Liam Neeson (and pretty much no one else), Denzel Washington has transformed into one of Hollywood’s reliable go-to action stars as he approaches what, for most, would be retirement age. The Equalizer teams badass Denzel with his high-octane Training Day director Antoine Fuqua in an update of an awesomely violent ’80s TV series about an outside-the-law “fixer” of clients’ problems. Here’s hoping it’s brutal fun.


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Season Premiere of Shark Tank

(9/26)

Shark Tank returns for season six and remains the only reason to pre-game in front of the TV on Friday nights since your “T.G.I.F.” youth. ABC is not tampering with the Tank’s perfectly working pitch-your-gizmo-to-billionaires formula. Mark Cuban, Robert Herjavec, and Kevin O’Leary—the notoriously sharp-toothed “Mr. Wonderful”—return as anchors, with Daymond John, Barbara Corcoran, and Lori Grenier rotating through the other investor seats. Will this be the year you finally bring your frat’s innovative drunkenness delivery system to these big money hotshots? Get in the Tank and do it!


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Jimi: All Is By My Side In Theaters

(9/26)

If you can’t make it to Outkast’s festival in Atlanta but seek a fresh dose of Andre 3000, check him out in movie theaters this weekend as the titular Mr. Hendrix in the biopic, Jimi: All Is By My Side. The movie covers 1966-67, a crucial year in the guitar wizard’s life, when he leapt from being a London club sensation to conquering rock forever at the Monterey Pop festival, where he smoked every other player and sealed it with fire by lighting his guitar ablaze.


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Crush a Can Day

(9/27)

Use your fist. Use your foot. Use your forehead. Use your buddy. Use your butt. Use the nearest pair of happily willing and suitable sizable boobs. Use whatever it takes to forcibly compress your empties in honor of Crush a Can Day. It comes but once a year. Make it crushingly count.


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Eric Prydz 3.0 At Madison Square Garden

(9/27)

Like we said, we’re not attending TomorrowWorld but the silver lining is that we will be dancing with Eric Prydz for three hours as he takes a brand-new stage and set to MSG on Saturday. Prdyz rarely comes to the United States so we’re pretty pumped to have scored tickets for this.


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Saturday Night Live

(9/27)

Chris Pratt hosts SNL’s 40th season premiere. Ariana Grande is the musical guest. Perennial announcer Don Pardo departed Studio Earth earlier this year; SNL vet Darrell Hammond will now handle intro duties. Replacing some lackluster cast-off performers are 21-year-old standup comic Pete Davidson and, in the Weekend Update co-anchor chair, SNL writer and Daily Show contributor Michael Che. Will SNL suck this year? Of course. Will SNL be great this year? Of course. That’s how SNL is every season. Tune in to see which of those extremes this inaugural outing tilts toward.


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Texas Beer Fests

(9/27)

We know, everything’s bigger in Texas, but when it’s beer-related, we pay extra attention. Throw in bacon and we’ve already slipped on our cowboy boots and we’re Lone Star State bound. Two major Texas suds fiesta happen this weekend: the 2014 Texas Craft Brewers Festival at Fiesta Gardens, Austin, and The Bacon & Beer Classic at Minute Maid Park in Houston. We’ll always remember the Alamo, but we may not have total recall of everything else by the time these ten-gallon beer blow-outs wrap up.


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Banana Festival

(9/27)

Delicious, nutritious, perfectly portable, and hilariously shaped like male private parts, the banana is the fruit to beat when it comes to vitality, versatility, and uproariously slippery slapstick placement in Three Stooges comedies. L.A.’s Port of Hueneme honors all things organic golden tube on Saturday with its annual Banana Festival. The day’s offerings include rides, recipes, eating contests, and intoxicating innovations galore on the traditional banana daiquiri.


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The Pretty Reckless

(9/27)

In a pretty pop world overrun by Katy Perry, Vanessa Hudgens, and Demi Lovato, Taylor Momsen brings truly dangerous beauty. Consider her the anti-Taylor Swift. Momsen’s savage, semi-Satanic sexual metal outfit The Pretty Reckless storms into Dallas’s House of Blues Saturday. The music rocks, the luscious frontwoman roars, and the audience will be packed to the rafters with Taylor’s fanatical young female followers—all barely dressed up and looking to make serious trouble.


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The Simpsons/Family Guy Crossover

(9/28)

Here it is: Fox animation’s big one with the big two. After The Simpsons returns with a regular episode to kick off its 26th (!) season, the yellow comedy giants will guest star in Family Guy’s special one-hour season 13 opener, “The Simpsons Guy.” A five-minute preview released over the summer proved to be hilarious, even rightly ruffling a few prudish feathers over a particularly brutal prank call to Moe from Stewie. All that bodes well. So, too, does the rumor of Homer standing in for the giant chicken during an epic bare-knuckled brawl in, out, and all over every inch of Springfield.


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Ask a Stupid Question Day

(9/28)

This Saturday, be sure to inquire of someone, “Is this Ask a Stupid Question Day?” In that one meta-moment, you will have properly honored the official occasion. Of course, you can also bone up on wittily insulting responses to anyone who inadvertently celebrates by simply asking a stupid question of their own. Should any such inquirers get insulted, explain that September 28th really is Ask a Stupid Question Day. Present them with this web page as proof. Then run.


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NFL Sunday

How’s your fantasy football roster going? If you’re like us, this Sunday presents no lack of ways for it to get messed up even worse. And we love it. Standout matchups loom between the first place AFC East Bills at the first place AFC South Texans, along with the Green Bay Packers charging into Soldier Field to take on their perpetual rivals, the Chicago Bears. Watching that game itself will be fun; watching the beer, cheese, and half-eaten brats flying in the stands will be glorious.

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