In Defense Of The Pizza Guy Who Rubbed His Junk On A Pizza


Every teenager’s job sucks. And the job sucks even more when you’re a teenager in Georgetown, Texas working at a pizza place, and it’s late and you want to get home, but then some customer calls in an order right at closing time. So if you’re 18-year-old Austin Michael Symonds, you might decide to lower your pants, take out your genitals and give that customer an extra topping.
And then you become an internet star after the customer catches you in the middle of the deed, and your mug shot is everywhere as the pissed-off pizza guy who was caught rubbing his junk on a customer’s pizza. Specifically, his testicles, in case we didn’t make that clear.
We understand that the customer was not happy to find a Papa Murphy’s employee rubbing his junk on that pizza. We bet Papa Murphy wouldn’t be happy, either. And we kind of understand calling the cops, but Symonds apologized and even said it was a “stupid” thing to do instead of saying, “Hey, that was cool, right?”
And yet Symonds faces a second-degree felony charge of tampering with a consumer product. But here’s something important about Papa Murphy’s pizza. It’s the take-n-bake shop. The media is covering that up. The fact remains, Your Honor, that Symonds was not giving the customer a fully-finished pizza. The pizza was not hot–as we can prove by the fact that Symonds was taken away in a police car instead of an ambulance.
Papa Murphy’s sends you the raw ingredients of a pizza, and lets you cook it yourself in your own oven. So if we’re following the law, any tampering would have been cooked away. That’s right– the pizza would soon be sterilized, so this was truly a victimless crime. Unless the customer was planning to eat a raw pizza, in which case the customer is the true pervert here. Not that we’re saying that we would’ve eaten the pizza, either, but a felony seems a little harsh. Can we see the phone records? It would help to know how close the place was to closing time.

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New York College Offers a Degree in Craft Beer Studies
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