Announcing The “Adopt-A-Freshman” Program

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Adopt a Freshman2

Here at COED, we’ve decided to reach out and help the less fortunate… starting with a college freshman. The Freshman will only prosper with help from people like you. You’ll be able to really change a life. Best of all? We won’t make you listen to Sarah McLachlan at any point during the adoption process.

Donation Levels:

• Roommate ($2): For only $1.99, you can buy your freshman a sock to place on his door handle, on the off chance that he’ll finally bring a girl over.

House Mom ($4): For the low price of $4, you can buy the Freshman a bottle of Febreze. This is useful, because it means you don’t have to provide him with laundry quarters. It pairs well with a Marley poster.

That Crazy Aunt ($5): For $5, you can purchase the Animal House poster. We also give you the option of choosing the TATU poster instead, but we suggest that you don’t purchase a poster of two ladies kissing, because it will show that your freshman has probably has never touched even one lady before.

Dad ($10): Buy him a $10 key chain so that he’ll stand out from among the slew of freshmen using their lanyards to carry their keys. Also, condoms that we swear we won’t tell their mother about.

Little Brother ($15): At just $10 more than “The Crazy Aunt” you can purchase a Bob Marley poster (includes a small pipe!) which lets people know he’s “chill.”

Alcoholic Uncle: While we obviously don’t believe in underage drinking, we also think that our Freshman is better than Milwaukee’s Best. If you can find it in your heart to give only $12, we will purchase Natural Light for him, instead.

• Bigger Brother ($16): Purchase that Pink Floyd poster. You know, the one with all of the bottoms.

Friendly Neighborhood Hobo ($12/month): A subscription service that guarantees one full bottle of “value brand” liquor is delivered in a brown bag to your freshman each month.

Overly Concerned, High School Girlfriend: While $50 might sound steep, it will allow our freshman to purchase an Otter Box to protect his iPhone, which otherwise will shatter with his first night of heavy drinking on Friday night. Your donation will mean the world to his , who wouldn’t be able to reach him otherwise. You’ll really be changing a life.

• Cool Cousin ($100): A fake ID that’ll expire in seven months and states that your Freshman is 27.

Wing Man: If you’re really affected by the plight of our freshman, please donate $150 for the Privacy Pop that will separate his bunk bed from his roommate.

Throughout the semester, we’ll be undertaking a writing campaign with our freshman to learn about his trials and tribulations.

* Think we have too many options for posters? Show us a freshman who doesn’t love posters and I’ll show you an alien.

COED Writer
COED Writer
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