Lionsgate Is Out to Cull The Children; Hunger Games Theme Parks Promise Murder and Mayhem for the Whole Family

Kids killing kids for fun and prizes. Forget paint ball, folks–Lionsgate is giving kids some bows and arrow and letting them go wild at their new Hunger Games theme parks. The winner gets to take home an opponent’s heart.

Not all these kids are coming home, either. That’s the promise Lionsgate is making to the parents of the hyperactive Hunger Game aficionados. Some of them will be culled. Which reminds us that it’s all fun and games until someone puts out an eye.

The people at Lionsgate say they’re looking at two different territories to locate the lords of the flies fun parks, probably looking for the most lenient states’ laws to indemnify themselves against the inevitable missing or maimed child complaints. The insurance rates on the Hunger Games theme parks would be outlandish. They probably have parents sign away the rights to bring damages for damaged kids.

It’s not just the bows and arrows. There are poisonous insect hybrids, well, they couldn’t afford the actual bugs, but they might be able to shoot the kids in the ass with a dart that does the same thing. Once those kids get all hyped up on Tracker Jacker venom there’s no telling what they might do.

Watch your plate at the Cornucopia Bloodbath food court, too. There’s an extra ladle of nightlock berry soup for any kid who shoots an arrow through the food trays. They get healing lotion if they pin it to the wall.

The second installment in The Hunger Games franchise, Catching Fire, comes out on Nov. 22. The movies are based on the Hunger Games books by Suzanne Collins. They star Jennifer Lawrence, and you should look at her more often.

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