9 Reasons Why You’re Not Getting Laid

We’ve all gone through especially long dry spells where the memory of a once-thriving sex life seems as distant as Miley Cyrus‘ wholesome Disney career. The thing about dry spells, though, is they have a distinct beginning and end – you just gotta get back into the groove. Intellectually, you know there will come a day when you see another vagina. And maybe even touch it. With your penis. Whoa.

The endless desert of Not Getting Laid is another matter entirely, however. There’s no oasis of attainable, horny college girls in sight when you’re the kind of guy who’s never had luck with the ladies to begin with. I’m here to tell you that your problem is you. You’re the reason you’re not getting laid. And that’s the best news you’ll hear all year because it means you’re entirely in control of fixing the problem. Before you think about throwing in the towel picking up some tissues and going to PornHub for the zillionth night in a row, make sure you’re not committing one of these cardinal-but-curable sins:

You’ve Got Disgusting Breath: Call me a hopeless romantic, but in my experience, sex usually occurs after at least a cursory makeout session. If your breath smells like a diaper full of partially digested Ethiopian food, you might want to invest in a toothbrush before forking over cash for condoms.

You’re the “Nice Guy”: Do you cry during The Notebook? Dude…why are you even watching The Notebook?? Hey girl, we may enjoy ourselves a Ryan Gosling movie marathon, but if we ask you to watch with us, that’s a sign we think you’re a) gay or b) friend material only. Stick to making sexual comments about Kate Upton’s boobs, and we’ll be out to prove to you what we’re working with is infinitely better merchandise.

You’re the Friend No One Likes: No, that’s not a Dane Cook reference (I’m better than that), but you have to admit — there’s one person in every group of friends no one likes. Maybe he’s whiny, maybe he gets wasted off of two Malibu Bay Breezes, maybe he wears Affliction t-shirts… maybe he’s you. If you don’t have a loyal group of friends to act as your wingmen, you’re probably not getting laid.

You Have Frosted Tips: First, go back to 1998 and see if you have better luck with the ladies there. Then recognize this is 2013 and you need to get that shit washed out of your head, Justin Timberlake.

You Gave Someone Herpes: Listen, girls talk. We know if you’ve slept with any of our friends, we know what you’re working with and just how — specifically — you’re working with it. So if you happened to give someone we know an STD, you bet your right ball you’re on our Do Not Fly F*ck list.

You Like Nickelback: Nothing makes our panties go back on faster than Chad Kroeger’s voice suddenly crooning to us mid-hump.

You Live With Your Parents: While I’ll always appreciate breakfast in bed, if it’s your mom knocking on the bedroom door at 8AM with a glass of milk and some Pop Tarts… okay, I’ll probably take a Pop Tart, but then I’m outta there.

You Live With Your Ex-Girlfriend: You just broke up. Your lease isn’t up yet. She has no where else to go. You can’t decide who gets to keep the dog. I get that shit happens, but just know you’re definitely, definitely not getting laid until your ex is 100% out of the picture and out of your apartment.

You’re Still in High School: Aww… keep dreaming, little buddy. Your time will come. But until then, enjoy our fine selection of Miss Coeds and a bottle of your preferred hand lotion.

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October 8, 2013: Celebrate Sigourney Weaver’s Birthday With Sexy Classic Pics
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