RIP Mr. Teeth, The Drug-Guarding Gator Who Died

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Alameda County sheriffs busted Assif Mayar for 34 pounds of processed marijuana (not so unnatural an occurrence), but were thrown a curveball when they also seized a 5-foot alligator named Mr. Teeth. After being sent to the Oakland Zoo, it was determined that Mr. Teeth was very sick. And that he wasn’t actually a alligator.

I want to give credit to Assif Mayar for owning a 5-foot alligator to guard his weed stash, I really do, but there’s too much that he’s messed up (on top of getting arrested).

On one hand, yes, Assif is awesome for being an alligator-owning drug dealer (a pet he bought in commemoration of Tupac’s death in 1996) and naming him “Mr. Teeth.” But on the other hand, you have to remember that Mr. Teeth wasn’t even an alligator — it’s a caiman aka a knockoff-alligator. And that knock-off ‘gator was so sick, it just died an hour ago.

So after we take a moment of silence for both Tupac and Mr. Teeth, I think it’s fair to say that Mr. Assif was a poor drug dealer.

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Wyatt is a Gettysburg College graduate and NYC native who is flattered that you're interested about reading up on him.