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Miles Lloyd’s U.K. Report: Next Week to Come Two Days Early!


(NOTE: Each week, Welsh comedian Miles Lloyd gives us news from across the pond.)

Buckingham Palace has announced: Next week is to come two days early.

The unexpected move has caused outrage amongst the public. Without the coming weekend millions of Britons who work long, hard hours throughout the week are set to lose two nights of getting sh*t-faced, not to mention a full Sunday to come-down, smoke weed, and watch Superbad on repeat from their beds.

The Comedy Vertical was lucky enough to hold a small press-conference with a spokeswoman for the Palace. The representative for the Crown had this to say;

“We are fully aware of the annoyance this move has caused, but the Queen has a toga party/BBQ to go to on Thursday and she is very excited because Justin Bieber will be there and she has all of his tapes. Originally, she wanted to scrap the entire week. We managed to talk her out of this and finally came to the compromise of of moving Monday forward to Saturday.”

This is the most radical decision made by the monarchy since, “The Great Tuesday Shun of 1836”-  when King William IV was bitten by a cat and went a bit mad from the rabies.  He then demanded that Britons completely abolish Tuesdays as a nation.

The loss of the weekend is set to save the government millions of pounds –  on what otherwise would be spent on injured drunkards. A large chunk of the money saved is rumored to be spent on Jerk Chicken, potato salad, and a nice bottle of rose wine for the Queen.

More on this next Tuesday. Or Sunday.

  • COED Writer
    I am Miles Lloyd. I was born a congenital idiot into a fictional family of three kings and a duke when I was just five years old. Two years later, at the age of four, I started performing stand-up comedy. Now, in the year 2045, I have started to blog and write articles for things and I've finally worked out the difference between my arse and my elbow. My favourite things are being embarassingly drunk, pink lemonade, the sound of my own voice, penguins, and singing in my local church choir. Since I started this blog I have been on a one man canooe trip through the Amazon and contracted many infectious diseases. I famously once appeared on an episode of Cash in the Attic where I sold an antique plate for £50 and was an extra in the BBC series Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps where I played 'drunken tramp number two'.