Run for the hills! Once again, here’s a load of f-ed up potential roommates found off of Craigslist ads. It’s a scary world out there – especially if you’re seeking a roommate. Never fear, here are a cavalcade of characters that will make you hide under the covers. Ready for a house of ladies, a big dog and bi-sexual couple, and the roommate experience taken to the next level? Journey further…
Ad Reads: Mature well rounded attractive 50s gent to help and mentor you as my live in lover.
Offering: huge private master bedroom, new furniture, kg pillow top, pool, hot tub
Very open to all lifestyles….so let’s be friends
PICTURES OF HOUSE AND ME FOR “YOURS” a number would be great
My Take: This is great, not only was I looking for a new lover, but also someone I could call my mentor. This scenario would be just like the movie, The Karate Kid, except with Ralph Macchio having sex with Mr. Miyagi.
Ad Reads:Let me tell you a little bit about myself; I am a 35 year old professional black male, I am employed, I have a car and no children. I am looking for a roommate to share my 1 bedroom apartment. I prefer a female roommate, but will not discriminate (open to any race and age as well). You can have the couch, or for the right roommate we could discuss getting a possible sofa couch or air mattress. This next option is for females only! If we both agree and feel comfortable, I have a rather large bedroom, we can discuss possibly getting a bed to put on one side and share the room (sharing the room is optional for females only and there will be no sexual contact or advancements from either party). Business only! No one involved in crime, drugs or any illegal activities.
My Take: Let me get this straight, If I want to share the bedroom, I have to be a female only. Otherwise, I’ll be sleeping on a sofa couch or air mattress, correct? Nothing weird about this dynamic. No stress here. It’s business only! Somehow, I image most nights ending in tears on the part of all people involved.
Ad Reads:I’m a lady who lives with her husband and two other ladies live here in there private rooms. You will have your private room also. I’m looking for a friendly, reliable, low key, tidy, and financially stable lady. WE ARE 26 YEARS OLD AND OVER. WE MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS AND DO NOT TOUCH EACH OTHERS THINGS.
My Take: What a happy house of ladies – just as long as none of the ladies touch each other’s things! Hands-off ladies!
Ad Reads:room for rent in large home, male preferred. or and female for my wife .must know ahead of time, no surprizes i am openly bi-sexual but prefer men.rent is 400 dollars a month, times are tuff and i have money so if need be we can work on the rent with trade of favors.
My Take: I was all for this roommate situation – until the large dog was introduced into the bi-sexual equation. (Or does he refer to the dog as his wife?)
Ad Reads: BEST. ROOMATE. EVER. For one night only.
Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You f*cking found him. I’m a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies like AOL and FORBES F*CKING MAGAZINE. That’s right! What you know about experience?
I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky sh*t-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post s*it like this on Craigslist.
A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your sh*t. If you leave sh*t out, I’m just like, “Oh f*ck I better not mess with this sh*t, because it’s not mine.”
I turn off lights. I clean toilets. F*ck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that sh*t in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT.
Don’t eat meat? That’s f*cking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your f*cking socks off.
I also read a lot. I f*cking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that sh*t. I read Tuesday’s with Morrie the other day. It’s a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. F*cking smart.
Do you like movies? I f*cking love them. We can watch the sh*t out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don’t have to talk to you at all. It’s completely UP TO YOU!
Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE F*CK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I’ll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James F*cking Taylor. AWWWWWW SH*T YEA!
A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re from Alabama. Are you racist?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I’m a secular humanist. I F*CKING LOVE PEOPLE. That’s the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. Pretty f*cking cool right?
You can’t bring too much only bring two duffelbags of clothes, laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a sh*tload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip.
I’m taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I’d like to bang before I die.
If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your f*cking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’m ready to give you money. My current roommate is out of town so I’m bored as f*ck let’s do something f*cking fun.
My Take: This is the first ad I’ve seen on Craiglist where I actually want to move in. Time to take the roommate experience – to the next level!