What To Do When Your Girl Sucks At Hooking Up [He Said / She Said]


At what point does a guy call it quits when he finds out that the girl he’s hooking up with sucks at kissing? Or giving head? Or at sex in general? Contrary to what girls might think, that stuff actually matters to us guys. We can close our eyes and imagine that you look different than you really do, or think of our favorite Linkin Park song when your voice annoys us, but how are we supposed to get off when your actions physically turn us off? It’s almost impossible. Find out how we try to work with [and around] ‘The Worst Hookup In the World’ below.

This topic actually hits pretty close to home because I’m hooking up with a really bad kisser. At first, I chalked it up to the fact that we had both been with different people so we had picked up different ‘tricks of the trade.’ My ex-girlfriend and I had worked into a pretty good groove of what to do and not to do, so I can only imagine she developed the same thing. What resulted, though, was disastrous. Her more aggressive style [I’m being nice] wasn’t as well suited for my more progressive approach. Whatever, I thought, I’m still going to take her to bed. I was met with the same response there too, though. Even after a week or two, things still weren’t changing. That’s when I realized that I might be messing with an awful kisser.

Imagine what that would do to her toe...

OK, we’ve now realized that we have a problem. Where do we go from there? Simply put, you have three options:

  1. Do Nothing
  2. Try To Work With Her
  3. Leave Her

1. Do nothing: If you choose to do nothing, than likely nothing will change. In turn, this will likely lead both of you to stop hooking up. Unless she’s never been laid [in which case, kudos] before or is totally desperate, the sex probably sucks for her too. Why would she stay with some guy who can’t please her? That means she’ll leave you all because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings or were too scared to address real-world issues [Yes that qualifies as a real-world issue. I write for a f*cking blog, what kind of problems do you think I have?]. If she’s legit inexperienced, than you have a real opportunity to move onto option 2.


2. Try to Work With Her: This is the option that I chose. Granted, I was drunk and might not have played this one particularly coolly – but right from the first kiss [back to being drunk again] I told her to “relax with the tongue.” I do not suggest doing this. Instead, wait a little bit. Maybe you two are just getting situated. Perhaps *gasp* the guy is the one who’s in the wrong – in which case the lady will tell you what to do. Think about it, why would you not want a girl to do what you want? The key with this one is to be polite and patient – no way is this conversation going to be easy. “I don’t know how else to tell you this, but I don’t want you as wet up there as I do…” is not a good example. Take it from someone who knows first hand: damage control is a serious possibility after you tell someone they suck in the sack. And by “damage control”, I mean you might have to stop telling her that she’s a bad kisser.

3. Leave Her: That leads us to the only other option. Ladies, don’t be upset if you know a guy left you because you two are a bad hook-up. Sometimes that sh*t just ain’t gonna work. If you want things to get better [and this relates to men and women] in the future, you’re going to have to take serious personal inventory: what do I do, did they like that, do I like that?

4. Grab Her Head: Ahh. You didn’t see this option above did you? Well that’s because this relates to a skill completely on its own: the BJ. There’s nothing less sexy than a girl giving awful head. I honestly would rather not get a blowjob than get a bad one… and not getting BJs is pretty close to unacceptable. Are you just looking at it? Do you think that feels good? I’m not saying that you need to throw her head down guys, but just give her a ‘hands-on’ tutorial of what to do.


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