I’m not a talker. I suck at talking. I’ve had oodles of noodles of people tell me I should take a public speech / speechmaking / speaking class. To those @ssholes, I say “Talk to my friend Cee Lo“. My inability to speak has led me to dread phone calls. And even though I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I’d much rather do video chat than have to sit on the wrong end of an awkward phone call.
Anyway, I say all this because it takes one smooth groover to pull off talkin’ dirty and newsflash, I ain’t got it. The one time I tried wasn’t so bad, but it wasn’t anything ground-breaking. It was really just stating the facts, ma’am. You try to get creative with it and you end up with something like “My d*ck feels like corn“. Yeah, sure, it worked out for Dane Cook because his hook up was a pro, but 9 times out of 10 that quote’s like pulling the emergency brake.
I honestly feel like the white guy in the “Trading Spouses” sketch from Chappelle’s Show – “I like to listen to you breathe“. Sounds creepy, but unless she’s giving me instructions, a good moan or whimper can be way more powerful than a filthy turn-of-phrase. So, if you’re willing to take the plunge and let it all hang out, here are some key tips to keep in mind.