The week’s finally drawing to a close and you’re stoked to blow off some steam. It’s time to get wasted. Whether you plan on closing down the bar or staying up until sunrise is irrelevant. Your only priority will be to hook up with that thing at the bar which may or may not have a vagina. But you can’t do that if you’re fall down, pass out, belligerent, sloppy sh*tfaced. Use the remaining brain cells you have to focus on these five red flags warning you to call it a night.
LEAD PHOTO CREDIT: Photo by Valentin Casarsa, Vetta
1. You Order Ridiculous Drinks
Nothing will magnify your impending hangover quicker than piling on some outlandish and expensive drinks after blasting through the majority of a 30 pack with a couple of friends. Breaking out the pina colada mix at 2 a.m. or ordering a round of Jameson shots when you aren’t a whiskey drinker is a sure-fire sign that it might be time to cut the evening a bit short.
2. You Smoke Cigarettes (When You Aren’t a Smoker)
Some people end up regretting this about as much as making out with the ugly girl at a party, not to mention the feeling of waking up to hacking up a lung and the tasting what seems like car exhaust in your mouth. Stumbling outside in the middle of the night and attempting to bum a smoke off someone you’ve never met before will probably be your last move… until you attempt to light it backwards and end up smoking the filter.
3. You Become Crazily Generous
This is one of the more potentially hazardous mistakes, especially as a semi-broke or marginally employed college student who typically can’t afford to run a tab fit for a professional athlete. It’s one thing to buy a couple of beers for your roommate or the cute girl sitting next to you at the bar, but if you start lining up rounds of Jager shots for the entire party, your bank account will be hurting as much as your head is in the morning.
4. You Start Arguing With the Bartender
Here’s another popular illogical choice for the drunk and disorderly – probably one of the easiest ways to be tossed out of the bar (short of urinating on the stool in front of you). Whether you’re accusing them of watering down the shots or complaining about the price of a drink you’ve already paid for three times before, this is when it’s surely time to say goodnight. Otherwise, the big bouncer will make you see stars inside the bar.
5. You Attempt to Eat Everything in the Fridge
This one really only applies at a house party but if you feel that a headache and dry mouth aren’t enough to ruin your morning, feel free to pile on an epic stomach ache and digestive “issues” by devouring whatever you get your drunk paws on. Piling up a plate of leftover pizza, pickles, peanut butter, and tuna fish right out of the can is something reserved for incredibly inebriated people only. Do yourself a favor, stick to the A.M. peanut butter and jelly sandwich and water.
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