He Said / She Said: The Lowdown On Goin’ Down

He Said/She Said is a new dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: oral sex.

“When a man and a woman love each other, they sometimes like to show their by love by giving each other a special kind of hug. Sometimes they can’t be bothered to hug, so they instead put their genitals in each other’s mouths. This, children, is called ‘oral sex’, and it is a beautiful, beautiful thing.”

And that’s another reason why I would’ve made an awesome teacher.

There is nothing a man appreciates more than a woman who has perfectly mastered the art of the blow job. Not that there is much of an art to master to begin with; the amount of effort required to perform a successful one pales in comparison to that required for cunnilingus, no matter how many times you women insist that it doesn’t. Truth be told the mere notion of a woman kneeling before us and bestowing seven minutes of undivided servitude upon our almighty penis is almost enough to do it for us. Almost.

Some women are just naturally and hopelessly untalented at it, namely those who approach your tool as if it is an alien life-form that must be eradicated for the good of mankind. These women are known to use a frankly sadistic amount of teeth and jerk you off as if they are  reloading a particularly stubborn pump-action shotgun. This isn’t sexy in the slightest, unless you’re the kind of guy who also finds a disturbing amount of pleasure in being kicked squarely in the nutsack.

But aside from these rare specimen waging war on our poor scrotums, pretty much any other technique will suffice. Herein lies the primary difference between male and female oral pleasure. The task of pleasing a female is in and of itself daunting. Do you realize just how many erogenous zones there are on those chicks? Mouth, ass, boobs, waist, feet – I’m pretty sure there’s one at the back of their knee caps, too. I mean, c’mon. Why d’you need one there? That’s plain greedy.

An inexperienced guy could be forgiven for expecting an instruction manual to be included with every vagina. I could certainly have done with one when I was younger. Only now do I realize that what I once deemed to be Grade A oral stimulation was me fruitlessly lapping at a girl’s genitalia like a cat sitting at a bowl of milk – thankfully after 2 long relationships my game has significantly improved, and my tongue has steadily evolved into an orgasm-seeking missile.

Though I must confess my selfishness when it comes to aiding the needs of womankind (my girlfriend) has not gone unnoticed. I, like many other men, expect oral sex a lot more frequently than she does, something which I really have no excuse for. That hasn’t stopped me trying  to think of some, though. In fact, I’ve compiled a list of excuses so large that they should be novelised into a nifty handbook for lazy f***ers. The truth is I have no strong feelings against it, it’s just that it provides me a very limited amount of personal satisfaction.

There may be men out there who claim that one of their favorite things about sex is performing oral on their partner, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that every single one of those men is lying. I find it unfathomable that any man could derive sexual pleasure out of anything that didn’t require them to shove their shlong into an undisclosed orifice. It defies every rule of science and those that claim otherwise are simply doing so in order to cajole a woman into sleeping with them, even those of you who are midway through leaving me a hate-filled message in the comments section; you’re all liars. But don’t worry. I don’t blame you. When I was single, I was one of you.

Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

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