He Said / She Said: Birthday Parties Are For Chicks (Unless You’re Baller)

He Said/She Said is a new dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: birthday parties.

When you’re a kid, birthday parties are the sh*t. Mickey D’s and a movie and you’re all set. As we get older, we care less and less about the simple childish things that gave us joy and focus more on the “simple” adult things we men enjoy (sex, booze, drugs). Since that “to do” list doesn’t vary that greatly from a typical weekend out and since guys could give a sh*t about feeling “special” on their birthday (unlike chicks), how do you throw a birthday blowout that isn’t drowning in estrogen?

1. Either have a bar crawl or an open bar. Bar crawls are nice because if the venue sucks, you go to another one. Open bars are nice because if the venue sucks, you drink your face off.

2. If you’re single, invite as many female friends as possible, so that if you fail to hook up with a complete stranger in the club, you can at least share an awkward one-night-stand with someone you’ve known since you were 13 years old.

3. If you’ve got a girlfriend, go the bachelor party route (unless your gf has smoking hot friends).

4. The ratio of females to males must be kept reasonably equal, even if you aren’t looking yourself. There is nothing more humiliating than organizing a party that will later be deemed a sausage-fest, as doing so suggests one of two things:

A) You don’t know any girls


B) What girls you do know didn’t show up in fear that you and your creepy buddies would molest them.

5. Don’t host it at a venue where you’ll have to clean up in the morning, such as your house or your dorm. Family birthday parties should be held completely separate from friends birthday party, at least until you’re married with kids.

6. Be vigilant. A man’s birthday is just another excuse for his friends to attempt to humiliate him in a public setting. When you were younger ‘birthday beatings’ would suffice, but as you grow older things can swiftly escalate from a crude drawing of an erect penis scribbled across your forehead (replete with a few scraggly hairs on the ballsack) to finding yourself completely naked and tied to a lamppost.

All in all, it’s best if you view your birthday similar to surviving a night in Elm Street; keep your back covered and for the love of God do NOT fall asleep.

The last thing you should do is have a birthday cake.

Check out these birthday cake fails:

Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

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