5 Sex Positions You Should Never Attempt

Many people wonder if they should spice up their sex life a little. You probably are curious to know if your friends are “wilder” than you are in bed, or on the lawn, or on the trampoline…Wait, are they doing it there?! See the point. This insecurity can lead you to doing a little research on crazy sex positions. Because you want to be the one that blows his or her mindThat one who is “good in bed” (as opposed to just laying there). Trying out new sex positions can be worth it. Your partner may look slightly more thrilled to be banging you than usual. But sometimes, you can be just a twist, turn and a thrust away from the ER. Please, don’t make that mistake. Stay away from these 5 sex positions:

For Figure Skaters Only

In this position, the man stands completely erect, and holds the woman, who is raised in the air parallel to the ground, by the waist. Just imagine a guy trying to catch a woman by surprise while she’s swimming laps. Only problem is, there is no water to keep her afloat in this gravity-defying position.

Potential for sextastrophe:
What if the man drops the woman, before they are done…No matter your size, no penis can hold up another human being all on its own.

The Distorted Wheelbarrow

If you’ve ever taken yoga, you might know the legs up the wall pose. The idea is to have your upper back on the floor with your butt against the wall and your legs raised up the wall. Slowly, you inch your upper back up, pelvis moving up the wall, holding yourself up mainly with your head and forearms. Well, imagine the woman is the yogi, and the man is the wall.

Potential for sextastrophe:
For starters, if no one gets off, that’s a catastrophe in itself, which is probably what will happen when a man is having to do serious leg squats while simultaneously staying inside another person. For women, light choking can be a turn on, but having their neck constantly cranked back and forth will just land them at the chiropractor.

Anything But Sitting On A Chair

If you were walked in on during this position, the guilty gazer would just assume an earthquake hit, some furniture flew around, and you both fell over. Oh, and happened to be naked. For this position, you need a standard four-legged chair and a cushion. The man lays under the chair, with his torso trapped within the four legs of the chair, the seat just above his face. The man also has his hips elevated on a cushion placed on the floor. The woman has her upper body on the seat of the chair, back facing the man, legs extended out over the mans and pelvises matched up.

Potential for sextastrophe:
Splinters. Hernia. A man’s fear of small spaces.

The Catch Her By Surprise

Based on photos, only one person was planning on having sex in this position. The man and woman are both sitting on the floor, minding their business, when suddenly the woman attempts to get up, putting her hand on a chair or ledge as leverage, and just as she has lifts the bottom half of her body off of the floor, the man shimmies across the floor on his knees, grabs her by the waist, and nails her.

Potential for sextastrophe:
Many women fantasize about being dominated, but generally they need some indication that they’re about to be totally ravished if it’s not going to totally hurt. Also, where was she going? The woman obviously had somewhere to be. That’s why she was getting up! And that is why women have a reputation of always being late. The Catch-Her-By-Surprise.

The Send Me On My Way

Generally speaking, anything with wheels is not a good idea when it comes to sex. In this position, the man stands up straight with a table behind him. The woman is in front of him with her head and upper body elevated on a rolling stool and her legs up around the man’s waist, feet resting on the table behind him.

Potential for Sextastrophe:

Honestly, men can get a little too enthusiastic (read fast) sometimes. There were plenty of times where I’ve thought, wow, if there were a rolling device beneath me, he’d send me flying across the room right now! The woman could also get a little dizzy being rolled back and forth rapidly. Or nauseous…

For the adventurers out there, I know that my warning against these positions will only make you want to try them even more. If that’s you, I advise keeping some band-aids and a good plastic surgeon on hand.

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