The 16 Most Completely Clueless Fictional Cops of All-Time [POLL]

We recently featured 52 photos of hot cops for National Police Week, which is goin’ on right now (week of May 15th – 22nd). While those babes in blue had you thinking illegally, the “authority” figures in this post will have you dumbfounded. Yeah, they’re here to serve and protect, but for every Dirty Harry out there saving the day there’s a squad car full of Keystone Kops just around the corner. Today we’re going to celebrate the second group by laying out some of the best of the worst. So join us and raise your cups of coffee and donuts to these men disgracing the badge below.

Officer Barbrady (South Park)

Officer Barbrady is just flat-out idiot. In a funny way, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s an idiot. After ordering a hamburger from a drive-thru bank, Barbrady becomes embarrassed “Of course, I knew [this was a bank]! What do you think I am, some sort of [email protected]?” Yes.

Desk Sergeant (Terminator)

The Terminator: I’m a friend of Sarah Connor. I was told she was here. Could I see her please?
Desk Sergeant: No, you can’t see her she’s making a statement.
The Terminator: Where is she?
Desk Sergeant: It may take a while. Want to wait? There’s a bench over there. [points to bench]
The Terminator: [looks around, examining the structural integrity of the room, then looks back at him] I’ll be back!

At no point does this asshole think this menacing figure in a trench coat and sunglasses (at night) asking about a woman being questioned then inspecting the architecture has something up his sleeve. Deerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Chief Wiggum (The Simpsons)

It’s hard to imagine a list of dumb fictional cops without thinking of Wiggum and his boys. For example, in order to get off the phone during a state lottery drawing, Wiggum informed a distressed caller that she had the wrong number and that “this is…91…2.” The only thing worse than being a stupid cop is being stupid and lazy cop. Consider the chief checked off for both of those.

Captain David Aceveda (The Shield)

Sure, Mackey and Crew did go to elaborate lengths to hide their increasingly staggering crimes throughout  the seven seasons of The Shield. But at some point, their commanding officer – Captain Aceveda – just has to be considered incompetent for not bringing them down. Mackey, et al. not only shot and killed a cop, they also robbed the Armenian mob. Not to mention the various laws both large and small they broke almost every single episode, mainly using the police station as their base of operations. And while Aceveda always knew something was up, he was never able to prove anything, despite being not only a police captain, but also a friggin’ City Councilman. Clearly, this guy couldn’t convict Mackey of a parking ticket even if he was made Supreme Court Justice.

Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane (Dukes of Hazzard)

The Duke boys are often able to elude this clumsy, slow-witted buffoon, who usually winds up wrecking his patrol car in various ways, yet always escapes without injury. Many would say Rosco’s lazy basset hound – who he calls “Flash” and nicknames “Velvet Ears”—was smarter than him. Though he’s an expert shot with his .38 caliber pistol, he sh*ts the bed when it comes to using it in the line of duty. His goofy chuckle is enough to land him on this list (“Kew-kew-kew-kew!”).

Buford T. Justice (Smokey and the Bandit)

A determined, foul-mouthed Texas county sheriff who chases the Bandit played by Burt Reynolds. He claims to have chased the Bandit for over 3,000 miles and across 20 states. Half the time the Bandit was right under his nose and he didn’t even know it. His son “Junior” doesn’t fall far from the dim-witted tree.

Sgt. / Lt. Proctor (Police Academy)

Proctor is the gullible sidekick to Lt. Mauser in Police Academy 2 and 3 and Captain Harris thereafter. He typically demonstrates childlike attitude in adult situations and often falls victim to pranks and slapstick stunts, but never lashes out at Mahoney and his crew.

Inspector Gadget

The clueless detective dresses like Inspector Clouseau and acts like Maxwell Smart (“Get Smart”). He always gets into danger, but manages to avoid sure death because of his niece’s help or pure blind dumb luck.

Sgt. / Lt. Frank Drebin (Police Squad / Naked Gun)

Empire Magazine called him one of The 100 Greatest Movie Characters of All Time while UGO named him one of The 100 Best Heroes of All Time. Not bad for a bumbling fool. I mean, he worked with a known murderer (OJ Simpson) and never suspected a thing. Oh, his last name is also an anagram of “inbred”. Yeehaw! RIP Leslie Nielsen.

Quick Draw McGraw

This well-intentioned dimwit was a horse… that rode a horse. Sometimes he’d assume the identity of the masked vigilante El Kabong who would attack his foes by swooping down on a rope and hitting them on the head with an acoustic guitar. Early inspiration for WWF’s The Honky Tonk Man? Possibly. Asinine weapon choice? Completely.

Inspector Clouseau (Pink Panther)

His clumsy attempts at solving the case frequently lead to misfortune for himself and others. Success is achieved entirely by accident. He’s immensely egocentric and pompous; seemingly convinced he’s a brilliant police officer destined to rise through the ranks of the Sûreté. He’s quick to brush aside his more extreme acts of clumsiness with phrases such as “I know that”, and attempts to appear elegant and refined regardless of what calamity he has just caused.

Paul Blart (Paul Blart: Mall Cop)

This fat f*** works as security at a mall in New Jersey and dreams of being able to join the New Jersey State Police, but always fails the entrance test due to his hypoglycemia. This piece of cinematic sh*t was a surprise hit at the box office, earning a total worldwide gross of $183,293,131 against a modest $20 million budget. The DVD sold 2,834,826 units bringing in $46,676,902 as of November 1, 2009. Is it because his last name rhymes with “fart”? Is that it, America? I’d like to see this dude face off against Ving Rhames’ character in the Dawn of the Dead.

Rodnery “Rod” Farva (Super Troopers)

This fat, loud, obnoxious and arrogant radio operator sold out to become a Spurbury police office and later almost got himself killed when he thought he was joining a drug raid. Rod is a fan of goofy restaurant chain Shenanigans, owns a sex doll that he pretends is Ursula (the Spurbury police radio operator), gets in brawls with fast food cashiers and junior high schoolers, and calls drivers he pulls over, “Chicken F*cker.”

Deputy Sheriff Bernard “Barney” Fife (Andy Griffith Show)

The comically inept counterpart to Mayberry’s practical and composed Sheriff Andy Taylor. Sometimes considered a blowhard with delusions of grandeur, Barney fancies himself an expert on firearms, women, singing and just about any other topic of conversation brought up while he is around. Conversely, Andy knows that Barney’s false bravado is a smokescreen for his insecurities, and low self-confidence.
Barney is often overly analytical and alarmist about benign situations

Lieutenant James “Jim” Ronald Dangle (Reno 911)

Jim’s the highest-ranking deputy in the department and is always seen wearing his trademark short-shorts. He often flirts with suspects and officers under his command and always has his bike stolen or vandalized. Though gay, he briefly married a woman and was attracted to a female officer from the Department of Homeland Security who was later revealed to be a man. He was also discharged from the United States Coast Guard.

Terrence McDonagh (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans)

It’s hard to say if Lt. Terrence McDonagh, as played by Nic Cage, is dumb like a fox, or just dumb lucky. He starts out the movie as a corrupt, drug-loving cop down in New Orleans, and ends up… well, basically the same, only he’s solved a ton of cases and caught a lot of bad guys. In order to clear all those cases he first must smoke a ton of crack, steal evidence, physically threaten (and torture) an old lady and smoke a ton of crack (if you’ve seen the movie, you know that one is worthy of being mentioned twice). When it comes to not playing by the rules, he outranks all others.
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