He Said / She Said ReBUTTal: Confusing Things Guys Do

Photo by Sharon Dominick, Photodisc

He Said/She Said is COED’s dating, sex, and relationship debate series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate… you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week, we’re changing it up and responding to last week’s “She Said” from CollegeCandy about confusing things guys do. Read ’em and weep, suckers.

Photo by Geri Lavrov, Photographer's Choice

SHE SAID: “How they can masturbate so often. Like, seriously, doesn’t it ever get boring!?”

WE SAY: Nope. Sorry it takes you chicks 4 f***ing hours to get off because you can’t get out of your own heads. You ladies need everything to be JUST right for you to climax. Room temperature at 79 degrees, wind blowing left to right at a steady 5 knots, barometric pressure dropping, cold front approaching, apple-mocha-latte-lavender-cinnamon scented candles lit, a pic of clean-shaven Brad Pitt from before he f’d over Jennifer Aniston. Here’s a shocker: all we need is a hole that’s wet. Problem solved.

SHE SAID: “How they can take everything so literally.”

WE SAY: Say what you mean, ladies. Jesus. We’re not mind readers. As soon as women talk to men in a clear and concise manner, we’ll behave accordingly. Don’t want us to go out with the guys? Here’s what you say: “I don’t want you to go out with the guys tonight because I want to blah blah blah”. Then, we can have a real, adult conversation and try to work through it.

SHE SAID: “The obsession with girl on girl.”

WE SAY: You’d think women would appreciate the fact that we love them so much that we’re willing to exclude us from the equation completely, but no, they take offense and/or get flustered. Typical.

This goes back to my point about chicks hatin’ on chicks. The female form is exponentially more beautiful than Man’s and personally, I hate it when they pan to the dude’s face in porn, I don’t give a sh*t how he’s reacting, I care about she looks when she’s doing her thing. So, why even have the guy there? Just give 2 chicks a dildo.

SHE SAID: “Why they say one thing and do another. Grow some balls, show me some respect and just say what you mean.”

WE SAY: Well, well, well. If this isn’t the pot calling the kettle black. “Say what you mean.” You honestly wouldn’t be able to handle what we mean. And when we do say what we mean you flip out. If I learned anything from my time on Earth, it’s that chicks love lies. Little white lies covered in gumdrops.

“If you’re not going to call, DON’T.”

Listen, the whole ‘let me get your number’ routine is our way of validating our time talking with you. We can then report back to the guys, ‘hey, we didn’t hook up but at least i got her number.’

Not to mention the phone works both ways, Toots. You like us so much? Call or text first. Stop reading books about rules written by total c*nts.

SHE SAID: The pride issue. It’s 2011, so why must guys still play into this whole “macho man” role? It’s pathetic.

WE SAY: Someone needs to watch “Fight Club” again. Come on, men have been neutered over the past decade! When I was a kid, we were told to be strong, be breadwinners, never say die, never surrender. We’d hear, “Stop being such a p*ssy, man up, be a man.” We’re fed this mantra until our eyes bleed and our brains leak from our ears. And you get upset or confused when we try to do something on our own and don’t ask for help? You ever think that we’d feel better knowing that we can do it on our own, that we don’t need someone else to live our life? So, when the apocalypse comes, we’re confident we can handle sh*t without asking 4 of our friends (who’ve most likely been murdered) for a hand?

In case women forgot the definition…

Pride (n): a feeling of self-respect and personal worth

If more women had that, they wouldn’t be as deep in the hole as they are. Be proud of the things you do and say; f*** the people trying to shame you. I hear/read feminists preaching GIRL POWER. But, us dudes are just supposed to take a backseat? Welcome to the 21st Century. Welcome to gender equality. Good luck.

SHE SAID: Their detailed knowledge of arbitrary sports stats. Like yards rushed or batting average or total points in a game….from 1989.

WE SAY: I wish I knew the answer to this. We’re just hard-wired to remember random sh*t. Like why does a girl remember the way you said one word during a drunken moment at a bar during last call 3 years ago? At least, we can win a trivia contest with our memory.

SHE SAID: The penis How do you sit with that thing? Or run? Or walk? What does it feel like to have something just…hanging out down there?

WE SAY: Read this article and this article. The d*ck could be the simplest body part ever and chicks are blown away by it. The vagina? That thing’s so high maintenance and complicated and you’re wondering how a fleshy rod gets small when cold and large when warm (or aroused). Amazing.

Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com

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He Said / She Said: Faking Orgasms
He Said / She Said: Who Should Control Birth Control?
He Said / She Said: Going Soft Makes Things Hard

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