The 5 Definitive Types Of Drunks

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Drunk people are fun: they can’t walk in a straight line and they have trouble saying “no.” And if your buddy is completely hammered, you can get him to do things he wouldn’t normally do sober, like pick up a fat girl (both literally and in the ‘porking’ sense) or try to learn how to fly. While there are many benefits to being drunk, there’s a dark underbelly that accompanies alcohol as well. For those of us who don’t know our boundaries, we can end up with vomit all over our shirts, passed out naked on a park bench or handcuffed in the back of a paddy wagon. So what kind of drunk are you? Are you a crybaby, annoying or just a raving lunatic? Read on to find out!


1) The Hot Mess / Train Wreck

He or she is the one tripping over chairs, eyes half closed, screaming at the bartender for just one more drink. And if you happen to be standing less than 10 feet away from them, you’ll probably catch a pungent whiff of puke. Most of the time, the Hot Mess is either the girl who just turned 21 or the guy who was just recently dumped. Their mission was to get completely bombed, and they passed with flying colors.

2)  The Happy Drunk

The Happy Drunk is the person who instantly becomes everybody’s friend at the bar. They laugh at all of your jokes, hug complete strangers and buy their 20 friends shots of top-shelf liquor. They’re mad good tippers and a source of delight to the barmaids that bring you your drinks . If you want to drink on the cheap while you’re out (or just have a carefree, drama-free night) seek out the Happy Drunk. He or she will be more than willing to buy you 15 beers.

3) The Drama Queen / Nancy Boy

You can hear these drunks a mile away before you actually see them. Nancies are the type of people who either whine or cry when they’ve had more than they can handle. Everything becomes melodramatic like an episode of Gossip Girl. If your friend is this type of drunk, do ’em a favor and buy them a cab ride home. At the end of the night, you’ll be glad you did.

4) The Douchebag / Douchbaguette

This drunk only gets douchier when he or she drinks. They show up to the bar wearing a ridiculous gaudy outfit with way too much sh*t going on to cover the fact they have no personality and suck at life. Douches will hit on every girl in the room, including your girlfriend while the douchebaguette will talk sh*t about every other girl in the room and leach off whoever’s got a bottle. The guy needs a swift kick to the balls or a bouncer bigger than his ego to drag his sorry ass the hell out of there! The girl needs to die.

5) The Man Whore / Super Slut

You’ll see him or her chatting up anything with a pulse at the bar. It doesn’t matter if the chick is fat, thin, black, white, blue, whatever or if the guy has a ponytail, footlong beard, or can’t speak English – this drunk’s  got one thing on his/her mind: sex, and plenty of it. If you’re friends with a Man Whore / Super Slut, do him or her a favor and play wingman for a night. That way you can send him or her home with the right kind of hook up… or totally backstab the bastard / bitch and watch as he or she leaves the bar with a giant mistake!

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