Getting dumped sucks, and since the dawn of time, the dreaded “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation has broken hearts and bruised egos everywhere. Whether you were with your girl for five months or five years, you’ll still flinch when she sits you down for “that talk.” You may suffer from several different kinds of impulses after your lady leaves: from drinking nine shots of whiskey to standing outside her window late at night playing Peter Gabriel from a boombox; none of your post-dumping decisions will be good ideas. So, put down that boombox and your PBR party ball and read on for five tips on how to get over a breakup quickly.
1) Realize She’s Gone For Good
If you’re going to get through this like a man, you’re going to have to realize from day one that she’s gone for good. Chicks don’t dump guys they like, so don’t be calling her at 3 a.m. for some post-breakup booty. Driving past her apartment doesn’t really help the matter either, neither does stalking her on Facebook. From here on out, you have to quit her cold turkey.
2) Allow Yourself To Get Sh*t-Faced Once
An emotional drunk is not an attractive drunk, but you’re allowed only one “get out of pathetic-ville” card – that’s it. So get your fill of drinking yourself stupid because afterwards, it’s best to avoid the bar scene for quite a bit.
3) Alcohol + Phone = Shame
If you do decide to go get hammered for seven days straight, at least keep your dignity and leave the cell phone at home. No girl likes to have her ex leave 15 voice-messages in one night quoting Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in between pathetic sobbing fits.
4) Watch / Bet On Sports
Did the breakup leave you angry? Good… channel that anger towards watching and betting on sports. Scream at the television, throw the remote, high-five the ever-loving sh*t out of someone. Just don’t watch a hopeless, losing team. If you do, make sure to bet on the game to make it more interesting. All of these activities take your mind off that heartless wench.
5) Rebound aka “Box Out”
Sometimes the best way to get over one girl is to get under another one. Truth be told, rebounding isn’t the healthiest way to get over a breakup – and I wouldn’t highly recommend it – but it just might work. True, it didn’t work for Peter in Forgetting Sarah Marshall… at first… but then he got Mila Kunis! See? Now, box it out, box it out, box it out, box it out, box it out, box it out!
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