How To Dump Your Girlfriend Without Pissing Her Off

Value your jeans? Love your X-box in one piece? Think that a Facebook hate campaign would be a bit fo a downer? Then pay attention to this guide to dumping your girlfriend. Even if you hate how she always wears that pair of sweats, how she calls you ‘cuddlebug’, and how you only have sex once a month when she’s wasted: breaking up is a situation that needs to be handled delicately.

Why? Because if you screw it up, she could wind up stalking you (just try pulling with an ex girlfriend hovering outside of your dorm room) or, even worse, she could tell all the girls on campus that her new girlfriend gives better head. Not good for your playboy PR campaign.

1. Don’t make it all about the nookie

Whether there was a total lack of it; or if the sex was the only reason you hung out with her, avoid referencing it in the break up. It’s never going to go well. Grumble about how you want sex that is less Friends and more Sex in the City, and her confidence will be crushed. Tell her she’s great ‘fun’, but that you don’t really connect with her: and she’ll think you used her for sex. Of course, that’s the truth, but no girl wants to be miss. right now, instead of miss. right. So make it about you instead. Say that you need to study, work, prestige on Call of Duty….

2. Don’t be too honest

Lines like, ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ were invented for a reason. Sit them down and reel off all of their faults from their hairs on the carpet, to how they just eat too loudly, and you’re going to create a wave of resentment. Not to mention a huge counter argument about how you were the worst for drinking milk straight from the carton, leaving your boxers on the floor, and as for your toe nail clippings… Save yourself the hassle, and keep it simple.

3. Don’t mention a third party

In fact forget being honest at all if another girl was involved. Say the immortal words, ‘I’ve met someone else,’ or let Facebook photo evidence let you down and you’re asking for trouble. Or more correctly, stalking. If she gets even the vaguist hint you were fucking someone she will dig, and dig, and dig, until all of the gory details come out. That’s right: she’ll find out about that time you did it whilst she was in class, in her bed, using her electric toothbrush as a vibrator. Then she’ll kill you.

4. Don’t be too nice

It’s good to be aloof but make it clear that the relationship is definitely not salvagable. If she thinks it is then she may well try to win you back. She may turn up in her underwear, late at night, and try to persuade you to give the relationship another shot. You won’t. But you’ll probably keep fucking her: and confusing the situation even more. So don’t say that you’re not sure if this is the right thing to do, if it it definitely is. Don’t say you hope after a short break that you’ll reconcile, if you never want to see her again. It’s common sense really.

5. Don’t dump her via text

Be a man and do the dumping face to face: when you’re sober, and by yourselves. Pussy out of telling it to her face, and reach to sms or IM her instead and you will look like the biggest coward. And cowardice isn’t sexy. Plus there is no way she’ll just let you text her then drop it. Forget that. She’ll get drunk and call you. She’ll get her friends to harrass you. Or she’ll go AWOL and the next thing you’ll hear from her will be slashed tyres on your car. So bite the bullet and at least call.

Break-ups are never pretty; and the role of the dumper is usually a lot worse than the dumpee.

Screw it up, and you might as well kiss your belongings, current phone number, and low-stress life goodbye.

Do a good job though and you could score a friend, and even recommendations…eventually.

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