Ever since Twilight flashed its sparkly fangs onto the silver screen, young girls and crazy cougars everywhere have been going gaga for “monsters” with pale complexions and six packs that us guys can’t compete with. They’ve already made vampires and werewolves pansies and I have my suspicions that mummies and the Creature from the Black Lagoon are next. Here are a few monsters that, no matter how hard female writers may try, won’t be able to turn into sexy models. At least, I hope not.
1) The Blob
If women really love listeners then the Blob must be a real ladies man (if it actually had a gender). As long as you let him consume your flesh, the Blob will listen to your entire day. The Blob has no speech, no emotion and no vulnerable areas. It’s just a giant reddish glob that must consume flesh to grow. Even if for some reason the Blob somehow found a way to get involved with a lady, it’d be a pretty crappy relationship. You couldn’t take him anywhere without him consuming flesh, you couldn’t kiss him without your lips fusing to its gelatinous structure and you certainly couldn’t play charades with him. The only way you could possibly maintain a relationship with the Blob is if you were another Blob. Too bad there isn’t a Mrs. Blob.
2) The Cenobites (Hellraiser)
You like pale-looking monsters? The Cenobites from the horror classic Hellraiser are so white they’re almost albino. Not to mention they wear piercings and leather. But if you’re hoping for a cuddly relationship with these dudes, you’re out of luck, and not just because Pin-Head could turn your face into swiss cheese. The Cenobites exist for one primary purpose: pain and torture. And I don’t mean mental, mind-games torture. I mean, cutting-your-flesh-up-until-you’re-a-pile-of-slop-but-you’re-still-alive-after torture. Screw with their puzzle box and you’ve literally opened up a world of hurt. Unless you’re a masochist, there is no way a teenage chick is going to swoon for a kiss from the Cenobites especially since one of them has no lips.
I find it hard to believe that more ladies don’t fawn over Godzilla considering his bad-boy nature and enormous girth. And he’s foreign. However, Godzilla is too much of a bad-ass for most women to handle considering he’s demolished cities, obliterated military forces and beats up any monster you can throw at him including King Kong. That atomic breath probably makes his mouth smell like ass, too. Let’s not forget that Godzilla also had a son which means there was probably a Mrs. Godzilla at one point. And judging by how he constantly beats the crap out of his son, he must have been a wife beater. This is one bad-boy you can’t change, ladies. Unless, of course, you’re taller than him and can breath fire.
4) The Fly
Ever been in a relationship where you grow to hate your partner? Jeff Goldblum’s character in The Fly is a movie monster whose charm will melt away just like his flesh. Usually a freak science experiment leads to one becoming a superhero or supervillain. Unfortunately, The Fly is the horrible reality of mixing your genes with a fly: a toxic mess of a man who will die a horrible painful death. Sure, he has the appeal of a tragic character doomed to die, but that path is filled with vomiting enzymes and climbing walls. Also, he might try to impregnate and fuse your body into his to create the ultimate family. A good shotgun blast to the head is the best possible “we need to talk” response you could give.
5) Alien Queen (Aliens)
Enough of these monsters for women! How about a little something for the guys? The Alien Queen has it going on with a second mouth that probably makes french kissing more interesting (and more painful). Those who are tired of weak and helpless chicks will dig her large height and incredible strength. She’s also a MILF. But, as with all MILFs, she has a few kids. A few hundred kids. And a MILF with too much baggage does not a good relationship make. Also, I can’t believe I just thought of the Alien Queen as a MILF.
6) The Rancor (Return of the Jedi)
The Rancor looks quite in shape for a monster kept in a pit. He has great teeth, superb muscles and I’m pretty sure there is a six-pack in there. Some punk giving you trouble? The Rancor will eat him like a potato chip. However, being defeated by a door is a major turn-off. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure he’s in a relationship with Malakili – that chunky dude who cries over his death.
7) The Thing
You want a monster that is mysterious and coy? You can’t do much better than The Thing who hides inside a host body waiting for a chance to strike. Sorry, ladies, but this monster only wants you for your body (literally). He’ll get inside there and mimic your personality until he’s discovered. At which point he’ll go into full-on gore mode. Skin will be peeled, heads will detach and blood will run (again, literally). If you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere, he is perfect for party games with the thrilling excitement of “Who is The Thing.” You’ll have hours of fun keeping an eye on everyone at all times, losing trust with your friends and testing each other’s blood.
The name is Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, but you can call him C.H.U.D. for short. C.H.U.D.s are the byproducts of homeless people fusing with toxic waste: a hideous mess of monsters with a stomach for cannibalism. A date with a C.H.U.D. must be one of the worst of all-time: scurrying around in the sewers looking for homeless people to eat. These are no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The C.H.U.D.s probably ate them, too; where the hell is Shredder and the Foot Clan when you need them? Because the Nuclear Regulatory Commission isn’t going to do anything about it considering they caused it. Then again, I don’t recall the Turtles ever eating any Foot Clan members, so Shredder would probably get his ass eaten as well. Krang, maybe?
What better way to spend a night out on a town than by hunting man with sniper weapons and cloaking devices. Despite the braids and the muscular figure, the mouth of the Predator is just begging for a lip-ring to get caught in it. This is one relationship that probably wouldn’t last long considering he spends a lot of his time hunting and not even for food. “Honey, I didn’t bring back any food, but I totally shot six dudes in the head.” And with his bitter feud between humans and xenomorphs, he’s probably not a very social person. At least he has a great laugh.
10) The Graboids (Tremors)
Unless you’re an underdweller or a spelunker, there is zero sexual appeal with a Graboid. These ground worms that look like rejects from Dune are drawn by sound and only surface from the ground to eat (similar to a basement nerd). Granted, they may be loyal in terms of coming when they’re told and are great players for hide-and-seek, but there isn’t much more to them than that. They’d have to be pink, sparkly and poop ice-cream to be appealing to women. Eventually, you’ll grow bored with him and try to blow him up. And for that purpose, the Graboids are a little bit entertaining.
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