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10 Douchebag Things Guys Do That Turn Girls Off


As the author of A**holeology: The Cheat Sheet I’m an authority on not only everything a**hole but also the dreaded counter-attitude: the douchebag approach to life. You might not realize it but there are several douchey things you’re doing that are incredibly unattractive to the opposite sex. I’m here to point out your mistakes and fix the situation. Here are 10 douchebag things you’re doing to scare women off.

Going Along With Every Single Trend

Photo by Brand X Pictures

It’s one thing to stay up with current styles and dress the way men’s magazines and store mannequins tell you but it’s a whole other problem when you try and dress in several styles all in the same week. One day you’re a thick-rimmed hipster sipping chai tea and reading Jonathan Franzen and the next you’re Affliction-ed up and beating up the beat after a long day of gym, tan and laundry chores. She can tell you’re trying to hard. Way, way too hard.

Solution: Pick one style and stick with it but make sure it’s something that you can easily pull off. If you can’t figure it out, most major clothing stores offer a free stylist to help you pick out clothing.

Openly flirting with women (in public and online)

Photo by Image Source

It’s one thing to keep your options open but it’s another to visible flirt with other women in front of a date. This includes the cute waitress, bartender or any attractive service industry people that you might encounter on a date. The internet is also not the place for public flirting. It’s bad enough to do it just in front of her but to do it on your Facebook wall for her and the rest of the world to see deserved a poke in the throat with a blunt object. Not the friendly Facebook type poke either.

Solution: If you just can’t help yourself, save it for when she isn’t around.

Your Dieting Habits

It’s a double edged sword; women want a guy that’s in shape but they want nothing to do with how the guy goes about getting to look the way he does. It’s fine to count calories and abstain from sweets but you can’t A) talk about it B) do it in front of her or C) preach to her about healthy eating. A woman doesn’t want a guy that pays more attention to dieting than she does.

Solution: It’s fine to watch what you eat but try and at least splurge when she is around. You don’t have to go nuts (Mmmmmm nuts) but at least split a desert if she wants to try something off the menu.

Checking your phone all night

She wants to feel like she is the most important woman in the room at all times. Did you hear me? Of course you didn’t because you were screwing with your cell phone. Put it down. I don’t care about Angry Birds put it down! You can’t take a woman out and spend half the night texting, Twittering and downloading new apps. You don’t even realize you’re doing it do you? Give me that phone! Can you hear me now? No? Of course not, I just shoved your phone down your throat.

Solution: Turn your phone off. You won’t die, or miss anything important, I promise.

Talking about your ex’s (either good or bad)

Photo by Jamie Grill, Iconica

Most guys understand that talking about their ex is not cool unless another woman asks questions but they think they only pertains to when the break-up was on bad terms. The same goes for when you and your ex-girlfriend are still on good terms. She doesn’t care to hear that you too still hang out all the time or that you still work together. If she wants to know anything about her she will ask or continue to stalk her Facebook page.

Solution: Don’t talk about the past. At all. Don’t even talk in past tense. Pretend this is the first time you’ve ever been with a woman. Ever. She might believe that if you end up sleeping together.

Being Too Complimentary

photo by stockbyte

There is such a thing as compliment overkill. Yes, it does sound like a bad cover band. Women love to get compliments. There is, however, a limit. If you keep telling her over and over how beautiful/smart/funny/amazing she is will either stop believing you, think you’re just saying it to get in her pants or think you’ve had a stroke and just keep repeating yourself.

Solution: One compliment per hour. Keep track. Use your fingers to count if you have to.

Bragging (money/job/workouts/people you know)

Photo by Simon Potter, Cultura

Blah, blah, blah you’re awesome and here are all the reasons why. Ever notice whenever you start talking about how much money you make, how important you are at work, how intense your Crossfit workouts are or all the important people you know that people tend to zone out? Oh you haven’t noticed? Then have you noticed how you’re usually alone on weekends? Think it’s by accident? You brag too much. People, especially women in general, don’t give a crap. If they do, they are either dating you to status jump or don’t speak English. How do you say “I know Donald Trump” in Spanish? She might get off on that.

Solution: It’s really hard for braggers to stop bragging so ask friends to punch you every time you brag in normal conversation. In a related note, buy plenty of Ben Gay.

Telling Everyone Your Dating Life

Photo by Jamie Grill, Iconica

Don’t kiss and tell. Unless you kiss and her mouth tastes like a car battery. You can then tell her. In other words, don’t blab to your friends about what’s going on in the relationship. No woman wants to date a man that is going to talk about her behind her back. That’s her job!

Solution: Keep the lips zipped. If people ask just say “things are going well.” It makes you look like a good guy if you keep things to yourself.

Checking Yourself Out In Every Reflective Object

It’s fine that you want to look good to impress women but there is a 99% percent chance you don’t look much different now than you did when you left the house a couple hours ago. Stop checking yourself out in every mirror, car window and utensil on the dinner table. If there is something very wrong with your appearance you’ll be able to see it in her face. Stop looking at yourself in her glasses!

Solution: Check yourself only in the men’s room. Also acceptable are the mirrors above your bed.

Any kind of pet name right off the bat

Photo by Image Source

Sugar. Honey. Toots. Sweetie. Baby. Baby cakes. No, no, no, no way, ut oh and what are you a 70-year-old man? No pet names on the 1st-5th date. It’s a rule. No clever play on her name and especially don’t say something as douchey as “can I just call you mine?” It didn’t work in seventh grade and it’s sure as hell not going to work now.

Solution: Just use her first name. Wait, you don’t remember her first name. Congrats, you’re no longer a douche. You’re just a moron.

Chris Illuminati is the author of A**holeology: The Cheat Sheet, which is available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Borders until it shuts down.

Follow A**holeology: The Cheat Sheet on Facebook.

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  • COED Writer