How To Get Laid At A House Party

Undergrad Americana- a lukewarm beer, a house full of college kids, wearing your favorite t-shirt, and bleach blondes dumping their rum-filled solo cups on your favorite t-shirt. What’s the matter Don Juan, “I lost my number, can I have yours” not cutting it anymore? Never fear, COED’s got some tips to avoid the self-cockblocking mine fields that are drunken house parties.

Rule #1: Dress To Impress

Ditch the molestache and the mutton chop-sideburn combo you’ve been trying to grow for the last four months- it makes you look less like Russel Brand than a guy who will filet you into a skin suit. Come to think of it, Russel Brand looks exactly like the kind of guy who would carve ladies into lampshades.

Sorry to drop a catch-22 on you, dear virginal readers, but you can’t look too normal, either. The only thing scarier than Freddy Kreuger is Patrick Bateman, so do your best to not to look like that nice guy who will walk you home, kiss you on the forehead and then murder you with a hacksaw. (Hint: that guy wears a lot of Hollister.)

Rule #2: Location, Location, Location

Look. The guy standing at the keg is desperate. The dude squatting the pong table all night is boring. And the moody guy drinking straight whiskey on the roof is either Johnny Cash or some douchebag re-enacting an episode of True Blood he saw one time but his sister made him watch it he doesn’t like vampires alright man that’s totally gay.

Try the couch or a wall, and always have a bro or two at your side so you’re not “Dude, did anyone even invite that guy?” guy. Just make sure your wingmen know to bail when a lady approaches. But COED, you ask, why would a lady approach me?

Rule #3: Differentiate Yourself, Be Interesting, Have Personality

House parties bring out the booze-loving, libido-driven, poorly-dancing bro out of every guy. This is fine, and in fact encouraged. Otherwise all parties would be delightful victorian tea parties where everyone quipped Oscar Wilde quotes at each other. There’s a time and a place, English majors, and ABC parties are not that place.

Once you’re intoxicated to the point where your inner monologue is reduced to “Tits. Tits. Tits. Beer? Tits” you need only make one conscious mental effort to succeed in holding a female’s attention for longer than twenty seconds- be a person. Like things. Dislike things. Mention you’ve seen a movie recently. Perhaps you watch televison? I bet you like television. I bet you even have a funny comment about that one episode of How I Met Your Mother you saw the other day.

Get the picture? Talk about things that aren’t the party, the weather, or your major ( environmental science is bullshit and everyone knows it anyway.) Do a magic trick if you have to. Get drunk, be interesting.

Rule #4: It’s A Marathon, Not A Sprint

Know how you’re turned off by that girl who’s too drunk and clearly has vomit on her dress while she stands on the couch singing along with a song that isn’t the one currently playing on the stereo? You know what’s even worse than that girl? A guy doing the exact same thing.

Especially if he’s wearing a dress.

Moderation, dumbass. “Whiskey dick” can apply to your personality, too.

Rule #5: Make A Move, Dude

Here’s a Discovery Channel voiceover you’ll never hear: “The jaguar, having already caught and killed the gazelle, decided she wasn’t that hot and he had class tomorrow anyway, and decided someone else could eat his gazelle because hey not everyone hits a home run every time.”

If you have succeeded in flirting with a girl for more than ten minutes, she probably thinks you’re cute. In fact, making past the two-minute mark is a pretty sure thing. It doesn’t matter if your idea of making a move is awkwardly slipping her your number or drunkenly inviting her back to your dorm for a roll in your oh-so-suave extra-long single bed, as long as you make some sort of move.

Some jaguars are faster than others. Some are stronger or have sharper claws or better senses of smell. But the reason those oversized housecats are smarter than you is simple. No jaguar ever left a catch uneaten because of some self-esteem issues or because someone was lighting a bowl. Prioritize. And it’s probably best if you don’t tell her she’s a gazelle.

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