When Valentines Day looms, a single dude’s attention tends to shift into finding that special someone, be it for a night or the rest of his life. The dance of courtship involves dinner and a movie, usually of her choosing. You can tell a lot about a woman by the kind of movie she likes. With that in mind, here are a few movies that you’ll want to avoid if she suggests them. Trust me, if a girl makes you watch these movies with her, she is either oblivious to the limits of a man’s sanity or she is trying to torture you. In either case, run for the hills when she suggests these duds.
Sex and the City 1 & 2
Ever wonder how some women can be so conceited, gold-digging, manipulative, gross and downright unpleasant? All evidence suggests that Sex and the City is the source. Everything that is negative, stereotypical and unlikable about women is not only contained in this movie, it’s encouraged under the guise of female empowerment.
The two movies give the impression that women are giant monsters who must consume everything in their paths. They consume so much expensive food, clothing and jewelry to the point of appearing disgustingly gluttonous. They are whining brats who can’t figure out why certain men don’t like them because they are whining brats. Thinking you’ll at least see some good sex scenes? A scene with a long-haired vagina will kill your boner faster than Sarah Jessica Parker’s face. The sequel is not only just as horrid, but also culturally offensive. The girls go to the middle east where one of them insults a bunch of men by throwing condoms in their face screaming about how she has sex.
I know some women love these movies, but let’s be honest: nobody who isn’t a celebrity can afford all that crap, nobody would date these chicks for spending unbelievable amounts of money on throw-pillows, nobody has that easy of a life raising children in New York and if that condom scene happened in real life, there is no reason those women wouldn’t be decapitated or shot on site. What could they possibly plan on doing for the third movie? Have one of them slap their old tits in the Pope’s face while screaming ‘END WOMEN SUFFRAGE!’ This is the grand epitome of horrible chick flicks, guys. If she makes you watch this, she is indeed trying to kill you.
The Twilight Series
It’s hard not to talk about Twilight without the words ‘melodramatic girl porn’ coming to mind. Because that is ALL this is. Average dumb chick, Bella, convinces vampires and werewolves to fight over her while she toys with their bodies. And we are supposed to LIKE her? You can try to rationalize this all you like, but werewolves with six-packs and vampires that glitter isn’t horror. It’s porn and a really bad porn at that since you never get to see them do it. The only way this could possibly redeem itself is if the vampires and werewolves join forces in the end to kill Bella and destroy the human race. Check out this clip of Craig Ferguson critiquing the “new” vampires.
If you love a girl and want to make sure she really is the one you want to marry, test her with this movie. If her reaction to the end is not ‘wow, what a crazy bunch of bitches’ but instead ‘I really love this movie’, your girl is a smug bitch who is randomly waiting for a moment to turn into a snake and devour you whole. This is a movie where two girls nearly kill each other to get a wedding date and after all of that, WITH NO EXPLANATION, one of them decides to back out of their relationship. This is a movie displaying women at their very worst. It’s not funny and it’s not romantic. It’s pure hate. At least, that is the most common reaction to the film. Watch how delusional the chicks are in this post-viewing audience reaction video.
There is only one scene in the movie you need to know about to send you running. I’ll give you a hint. It involves a supermarket and blood. I actually watched this movie with an ex-girlfriend of mine when we were dating. I sat there stone faced as Jenny McCarthy soaked up GALLONS of her period blood with pads while a group of her gal pals are yucking it up. I told her later I found that scene disgusting and asked why she found it so funny. “It’s a girl thing, you wouldn’t understand,” she replied. I don’t have to be a woman to understand that it is unbelievably gross for a girl to spray her period blood all over a supermarket. It’s not an empowering moment nor does it portray a good image of women. I’ll remember her line, however, for when there is a movie when a dude jerks off all over a Whole Foods.
Eat, Pray, Love
If the fact that it stars Julia Roberts and it’s based on a book recommended by Oprah hasn’t scared you off, here is what this horrendous waste of film is about. Semi-based on the real life of the original author, Julia Roberts tries to get her groove back (barf) after her divorce by having her friends pay for her to go on vacation. What exactly does she do? She runs off to Italy to eat ALL the food, runs off to India to pray to a large amount of gods yet still only believe in the one true Christian God, then run off to Bali to have sex with a dude. And I am not kidding when I say she eats ALL THE FOOD. There is no reason this woman shouldn’t have type II Diabetes by the end of the movie. And are you ready for the best part? I wrote that this movie was SEMI-based on the author because she did all of these events as part of her writing work. She didn’t run off to find herself, she ran off to work! But we can’t actually show a woman doing work in a movie. This is all about women being giant consumer whores who are treated like royalty across the land. HAIL, JULIA ROBERTS! Check out this clip from South Park’s episode, “Eat, Pray, Queef”.
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