7 Super Awesome Movies That Suck On Basic Cable TV

Ah, yes, basic cable. More adult than network television yet too tame for premium cable. Sometimes when a movie you love is on cable, you have a twinge of excitement. Other times you get a cold chill because you know it won’t hold up to basic cable rating standards. Your favorite scenes will be cut and the dialogue will sound weird. So if you happen to love any of the movies listed below, avoid them on cable unless you want to see your favorite film shackled in basic cable chains.

The Big Lebowski

It’s too bad most movie edits these days don’t use bleeps. I find them funny. They are much better than the dull silence of cutting an audio track. However, most edits tends to go back and rewrite dialogue and The Big Lebowski has a lot of filthy words. What I can’t understand is how they can replace swear words with more appropriate swear words, but instead write an entirely new line that is contrary to the rest of the movie. In one scene in particular Walter’s line about f*cking people in the ass is instead replaced with a lesson about finding strangers in the alps and feeding them scrambled eggs. Is there some sort of hidden meaning to what the editor was implying with this? It feels like an in-joke we’re not meant to understand. I guess it’s one of life’s great mysteries.

Fargo

Fargo has the same problems as The Big Lebowski in terms of replacing dialogue. Only this edit is much worse because the editors have actually invented new cuss words just for this movie. The line ‘shut the fuck up’ is replaced with ‘shut the frooze up’. What the hell is a “frooze”? I’m guessing it’s some real dirty sex acts that is so exclusive only the Freemasons know how to perform. I will give the editors credit for cutting out the scene where Steve Buscemi gets it on with a hooker.

Casino

Any movie with a lot of adult language is going to get some dialogue replaced. While Casino does a good job of choosing a more fitting vocabulary for replacing naughty bits, it sounds very out of place in long scenes with constant swearing. Just see for yourself:

Robocop

Most movies are edited for content by cutting scenes, replacing dialogue and blurring or obscuring questionable content. Robocop is one of the few edits I know of where scenes are actually replaced to be PG-13. Remember that scene where one of the bad guys is covered in toxic waste and Kurtwood Smith smashes into him with his car, causing the body to explode in a shower of blood and nuclear waste? In the TV edit, that never happens because Kurtwood Smith narrowly avoids him.

Half Baked

The line that absolutely makes this movie is when Scarface gets fed up working at the fast food burger joint and doles out a string of “f*ck yous”. “F*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you, you’re cool.” Since this movie relies on its heavy use of drugs, foul language, and the scene where Samson’s female lackey’s titty pops out, when those are removed, edited, or censored, it makes Half Baked look more like Beverly Hills Ninja.

Fast Times At Ridgemont High

God forbid the person who sees this on TBS, TNT, or Comedy Central before viewing the unedited theatrical version. Again, you miss out on Spicoli smoking with his friends and some strategically placed f bombs and some must see breasticles via the classic poolside bikini masturbation dream sequence starring Phoebe Cates. You know what we say to basic cable networks that edit out all the good sh*t…

Dazed and Confused

Sex, drugs, and rock & roll. D&C has all these elements but you, the basic cable viewer, will only get 1/1,000,000th the satisfaction of their respective roles in Richard Linklater’s 1993 masterpiece.

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