How To Have An Epic New Year’s Eve

4….3….2….1! Happy New Year! A brand new year lies ahead, but first we must make it through New Year’s Eve. The best New Years I ever had was when I was nine, and I took out all my parents pots and pans and banged them together at midnight. Since then, there’s been a trajectory course downward in the appeal for this holiday. It’s basically amateur night, with too much pressure on having an ultimate evening out. So here’s a guide on how to have a good New Year’s Eve.

1) Rent a Private Jet
Celebrate New Year in every time zone, by flying across country from east to west.

2) Kiss Complete Strangers
Yes, kiss people who you’ve NEVER met before in your whole entire life, and who, perhaps, you’ll never see again—EVER!

3) Sleep With Complete Strangers!
This is just like kissing complete strangers, but it involves sleeping with people you’ve NEVER met before in your whole entire life and who, perhaps, you’ll never see again—EVER!

4) Drink Too Much
Yes, booze it up! Maybe even become sick! Say embarrassing things to people. Tell your friends you love them! Scream at people on the street. Get sick again.

5) Times Square
See them drop the New Year’s Ball. Feel what it’s like to be crushed in a really big crowd, to the point of unpleasant.

6) Say Funny Things
Say “See you next year” to people you see before New Years, and wont be seeing until after. This causes comical-confusion, implying that you might not see this person for 365 days. See how funny that is?!

7) Have A Bad Hangover
On New Year’s Day, say things like “Boy! Do I have a bad hangover!” and “Where did I lose my house keys?”

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