Who Will Buy A Stairway To Heaven in 2011? [DEATH WATCH POLL]


A morbid question, we know, but a relevant one nonetheless. Each year we are confronted by the demise of a few famous faces, from the shocking deaths of Patrick Swayze, Brittany Murphy and Michael Jackson in 2009 to the tragedy of Gary Coleman and Greg Giraldo in 2010. It’s inevitable, then, that 2011 will also see its fair share of star stiffs; here’s our rundown of who we think will bite the dust next year.

Charlie Sheen

After a lifetime spent abusing alcohol, drugs and women, and facing little to no consequences for doing so, 2011 could be the year that the Karma Police finally ‘cuff Sheen.

This dude has managed to juggle violent debauchery with the salary of a national treasure, and as his real life antics are portrayed onscreen as the doings of a lovable rogue, in reality he’s leading the lifestyle of that creepy Uncle you never see, throwing money at strippers and locking prostitutes in his bathroom.

In short; every sick thought you’ve ever had, Charlie Sheen has probably made it a reality. Us mere mortals can only dream of standing in court and defending our actions by stating ‘I didn’t pay for the hookers to stay, I paid for them to leave’, and then getting away with it scot-free. If Charlie Sheen was to die in 2011 (and let’s face it, his liver must be as yellow as the carpet of a retirement home) it’s almost certain that he would go out smiling, on top of yet another gorgeous blonde.

Miley Cyrus

South Park has already predicted the media will come for Miley after they’ve finished off Britney, but it appears Miss Spears is a lot more resilient to the pressure these days. This may spell bad news for Cyrus.

After the furore surrounding her use of Salvia, it appears that the tabloids have already began their targeting  of her. Never mind that Salvia is actually LEGAL and she is 18 YEARS OLD, entitling her to this sort of experimentation. What, were you all expecting her to wear plastic Mickey Mouse ears into her late 40’s?

This ‘drug controversy’ comes in a year where she has already had abuse thrown her way due to the hyper sexual nature of her music, her public cavorting with boys (picture above) and leaked nude photos.

We here at COED respect the gusto with which she is embracing this new, slightly slutty attitude, but we fear it’s only a matter of time before the tabloids are reporting breakdowns and baldness instead of boning and bongs.


Lindsay Lohan

From the wide-eyed aspiring party-girl to the tired-eyed undignified party-addict, Lohan is a clear-cut example of what the ol’ fame game can do to a young gal. By now you’re probably sick  of hearing about Lindsay’s exploits; her going in and out of rehab, skipping court dates whilst joyously flaunting her inability to wear panties of any kind.

It’s a crying shame, too, because she used to be kinda hot. Hot in the girl-next-door sense of the word, which in many ways is the best kind of hot. The hot that wouldn’t intimidate your girlfriend if you both went to see one of her movies together. Not that you watched Mean Girls or anything. Definitely not.

As could well be the case with all the champagne-swigging it girls drunkenly stumbling through this generations media circus, Lohan’s libidinous lifestyle will eventually spell disaster. Bad news for Lindsay, then, but good news for her Mother Dina, whose bereavement could mark the arrival of another profitable MTV reality series.

Keanu Reeves

Next to Strutting Leo, Sad Keanu was the most expertly devised meme of 2010. What began as a simple photo of The Matrix star staring forlornly into his half-eaten sandwich, quickly evolved into a June 15th campaign entitled the ‘Unofficial cheer-up Keanu Day’, wherein well-wishers sent cards and positive thoughts to Keanu in the hope that it would bring a smile to his usually stoic face.

Unfortunately, the alluded sadness pictured in the above press snap wasn’t the only basis for Keanu’s grief. The tragic death of both his girlfriend and unborn daughter in the late nineties/early noughties have brought a certain degree of emotional depth to the meme, and inadvertently ensured that this writer felt very awkward when deciding to include the star in this merry little list.

Don’t do it, Keanu! You have so much left to give! You were Neo! You were Ted for God’s sake!

Anyone from the Spiderman musical

When news came that Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark would be the most expensive Broadway musical ever made ($65 million?!) a lot of people drooled over the prospect of its demise; we humans are a merciless species, and we love the idea of a financially bloated project falling flat on its greedy little face.

And fall on its face it did – but not in the way you may have expected.

Since its opening the production has consistently struggled to ensure the safety of its cast, with four injuries already reported, including Christopher Tierney (Spiderman) plummeting 30 feet into the Orchestra pit after a safety harness snapped unexpectedly.

As with any big budget production (SIXTY-FIVE MILLION?!) it is without doubt that its execs will proclaim that the ‘show must go on’, before shuffling a terrified Green Goblin centre-stage, the sound of his sobs drowned out only by the bloodthirsty heckles of the audience.

The ‘curse’, as it is now known, of the Spiderman musical is likely to put more asses in seats than any amount of promotional work, with the public’s aforementioned love of expensive failures second only to their love of filming tragic accidents with their iPhone’s.

What do you think? Who will perish in the coming year? Vote now in our poll or leave your predictions in the comments field…

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